Fear...

I have begun to realize, as I sit here at 33... really, being no further head than when I was 23.. well actually, I have less than I did ten years ago -- I am afraid.. I live in fear to pursue greatness. I have great potential, I KNOW I do. I have great things ahead of me if I just go after them.. and hoenstly, it's not that much effort for me! Things come easy for me under the right circumstances. Regretfully, the right circumstances for me looks like this - a good woman by my side whom makes me want a better life and whom when I look at - I forget my fears.. but regretfully, that's not where I am now, nor should I depend on that.

I seem to live in fear of greatness, because my mother did. She was afraid of everything, and still is... and I just can't seem to get out from underneath that. When ever things start going well, I tend to sabotage them.. because maybe I feel I don't deserve the good things in life? I don't know.. can't figure this one out. Just something I've been thinking about.

I hate her for this. I really do.

family

I have a family, and they love me. Their last name is Ezerski. No, not my dad.. my cousins. I talk to a group of them DAILY now. I get bombarded by messages from them on facebook.. hours and hours of conversation. It's fantastic. They didn't even know I existed.. they could have blown me off so easily, and that would have been a normal reaction.. these people embrace me and it's just crazy.. they're crazy about me! Seriously! I am already beginning to see what this whole family thing is all about. I will be seeing them on the 1st of this coming month. How great is that?

On a side note, they don't talk to their dad either.. and my dad is their uncle, who they don't really know. Not another day will go past that I'll say I don't have a family.. these people TREAT me like I've been fam for 33 years. God is so good.

peace, I'm out.

Life is good

Life, is good. Still daily struggles, as there will always be.... but for the most part, things are good...

I have just completed the FREE journey with two small groups in Cincinnati, and now drive to Dayton weekly to facilitate a FREE small group there.. good stuff. A couple of friends who grew up in church are part of it -- maybe too much church and not enough God for them at some point in the past... and two friends who know nothing of church but really want God now.. Angie being one of them... haven't seen this girl in 16 years, and reconnected with her recently. Just awesome.. she's a great mother, works very hard.. still rough around the edges but feels like family. I remember the last time I saw her she was cussing my mom out call her a effin bitch when Angie was like 14 years old, lol.. not right, but mom surely asked for it by how Angie knew she treated me. Go Angie. She's still in my corner after all these years, and I am in hers.. love having her as part of our group.. she brings a lot to it.

SO, as Brian talked about.. we have four stages.. the "blahs," the "break,'" the "blues," and then becoming "free."

For me, the blahs was living in a state where I never felt loved by my mother growing up, so I had sex with lots of women over the years to fill that void.. never being able to stay faithful.. all the time thinking I was just a male whore who liked sex.. not the case at all. I was trying to fill a void that just couldn't be filled. Living like that, for me, was the blah stage.. the break was when I turned Tina down, as I spoke about in my previous entry I think.. the blues was how HORRIBLE I felt when she rejected me because I would not have sex with her.. and I'll tell you, it was really really bad. Then came the feeling of being FREE. And that, I do feel now.. at least from one thing. I have made better choices when it comes to intimacy since then, for the most part, and feel really good about myself.. now that I'm not only honoring God, but honoring myself.. ya know some people say you can't love someone else until you love yourself.. I think that may hold true with God, and I'm ok with that, that's just how He made me.. In loving myself and honoring myself, I find it easier to have these feelings and aspirations in how I feel for Him.

Getting ready to go back to court for Grace again soon...

Picking up a new client who I meet this coming tuesday at 5:30 which I'm very excited about.. really nice girl named Chrissy.. she loves God and I have to admit she has really sparked my interest though we've only had one good somewhat long talk on facebook, lol..

Workouts are going great.. just about what I would call "in shape." If I can totally avoid McDonalds fish sandwichs this week in times of weakness, I may get "there" next week.. abs are coming back very, VERY soon.

Excited about competing in State Championships this fall.. I'm going to win. I've got it in me, I'm motivated... I"ve been busting my ass, and I have the best prep coach around.. better than Rion was even... and this time, I'm not partying while getting ready. How in the world did I take 4th place in State middleweight division when eating 20 hits of x every other weekend and doing some speed here and there? That's crazy.

I'm out. peace.

rejection...

Ok so this is a new girl I began dating since the last blog...

I'll keep this short, just have to get it out somewhere and I feel like I can't talk to anyone.. I've had enough problems, people are sick of even knowing about them at this point I'm sure.

New girl, different from the last blog. And no, we never slept together..

So I began dating a new girl about a week ago. First night we end up in bed.. and I stopped myself and told her no.. I couldn't do it.. she got so angry.. asked me why. I told her it was too fast and I want to respect her and myself.. more conversation came after that, but it doesn't matter what was said.

Two more times this week she tried and I said no.. I wanted to, I really did.. I just couldn't do it.. it wasn't right. I wanted to show her a respect that I don't think she's used to.. I wanted to respect myself for once.. and to try to follow His plan for me.. for once.. I wanted to sooo bad, I just couldn't.

Today she sent me a text and told me she can't date me anymore, that I've denied her three times, and that I'm a waste of her time.

Talk about pain.. this fucking hurts. Bad. I'd rather be inside of her, and feel loved and sinful, than feel this empty and rejected right now. This hurts.. bad.

I wonder what it would be like to not be attractive at all.. I sometimes wish I wasn't.. maybe I could find someone who likes me for me then.. but then again, maybe I'd never find anyone and always be alone. I don't know.. I'm so confused.

I could literally cry myself to sleep right now. Have to grab coffee with a friend though and then meet a friend with whom I'm going to small group tonight.. time to pull it together, put my smile back on, pull my head up, and be mr confident again.

Talk about broken.. wow... I think I'm going to call her and tell her I'll sleep with her if she'll give me another chance.

It's not about me...

Well...

So I've an interest. I won't put the l word before the word interest, as that would be inappropriate, I think.

Let's start by saying that I feel as if this woman is the best friend I have. I trust her completely.. and when I say completely, I do not mean that lightly.

I'll not go into much detail in this writing, but I what I will say is this..

What is so different this time... in this interest... this is what is different. It's not about me, it's about her. This is not her "time." And if I do truly care, then the best way I can love her in action is to be a friend.. there no matter what, and to not act on my any feelings I have above and beyond our friendship.

You see, in my mind - I automatically equate that to the possibility of a missed opportunity with her.. not that I am so full of myself to think she would want a relationship with me.. I do know that if she did, now is not the right time.. at least not the right time for more than a friendship.. so how long would I wait? A month? A year? How do I gauge that? I don't want to find that me caring for her means I ultimately lose her one day to someone else because I didn't pursue.. I guess if I really, really want to love her in action.. I just sit back, trust God, put my wants aside, and be exactly what she needs right now.. which is simply a friend.

It's not about me.. it's about her.. and what a change.. so odd, because I'm just not like that. Well, this time I am.

Is wasting time a sin FOR ME?

From what I understand to sin means to "miss the mark."

If this is the case...

I'm sure there are many good examples but right now I'll just use reality tv (used to spend a lot of time watching, but not now) and facebook.

Reality tv a sin? Really? Yeah, that sounds wayyyyyyy too extreme of an idea for me. Truth is though, I think that spending time doing nothing but watching OTHER people engage in their lives is a waste of the time He gave us here, completely pointless, and definitely is missing the mark. Sinful does sound a little extreme, but if sin means missing the mark then it must be exactly that.

Ok facebook.. I'm hooked, and if you're reading this blog you probably know me and know I'm constantly on it.. and I mean constantly. I can easily justify it and do actally have some good reasons to check it throughout the day, but the amount of time I spend on it is ridiculous.. and much of it is being updated on how other people are engaging in their lives (Twitter is supposed to be more ridiculous from what I've heard.) . Isn't that stupid? Really? Spending hours a day in research of what OTHER people are doing. That, my friends, is missing the mark to me. Sin? For me I think it is... and I'm just realizing it.

I guess most things one would think, done in moderation, are ok.. reality television isn't debatable with me, but facebook is.. maybe just because I like it so much. Something I need to be aware of in the coming days.

nothing deep, just a thought.

I'm out.

J

How things change so quickly!

Wow this has been a crazy past month... I've gone from a state where I felt like I had honestly given up on things and was completely isolated to a place where I am SO excited to see what God has in store for me today, SO excited for all the opportunities to interact with people today, and SO excited to find some way to love on someone today.. thank God He's helping me see people around me that need it so much, and has put me in a place once again where I'm able to love on them and build them up.

From here until Sunday evening is very busy, and I anticipate next week be quite busy as well. Remember, I went from doing nothing and rolling around in my depression.. pulling some under my head and the rest over my body to keep warm lol... right back to a packed schedule as usual. That, is a miracle. Schedule for the weekend starting.. now --

finish blog
cook breakfast
finish laundry
stop by Terry's gym in hopes to get items I left/iphone
stop by Mikes office
Kenwood high noon aa meeting
Crossroads
Work out with Rachel at 3pm at Lifetime
Dinner with friend

saturday -
train Chuck for 1st session
possible fitness consultation in lebanon
clean out car
movie / hang with andrew

sunday -
service at 8:30am
volunteer meeting at Crossroads at 10:00am
movie / hang with katie from 11am until 3pm
pick up charlie
dinner with smallgroup at 5pm
lead group at 6pm until 9 or 10pm

God really is working in so many ways in my life, and one of them is making me very busy.. and I'm just not good when I'm not busy... I hate being unproductive. Another way He is working in my life right now is giving me an opportunity to minister to the people around me by simply loving on them.. showing them God's love without preaching at them or trying to convince them of things.. just simply loving on them by showing I care however I can.. a little consideration and a smile goes a long way.

God,

I'm so excited about coming back towards you... I thank you for what was said when Charity and I talked.. and prayed... and that our words were not only heard but answered. I don't konw how much longer I could have felt alone, the way that I did. You are the great healer God, and I doubted you on that 13 months ago.. I'm sorry I questioned you, but you know that's in our nature. I had so much pain just a month ago and I "feel" complete and whole right now, ready to put you once again in the center of everything I do and excited to once again continuing what I do... the calling you've given me.. just to love people, by action. Help me to watch my mouth today as Ephesians 4:29 is my focus right now, and I also pray that you help me with the lesson plan tonight.... it's going to be a long one. Love ya dad.

J

Unconditional love

Unconditional love.. I still don't completely understand it yet, but I do a little bit better each day.. most days at least.

My last blog I wrote about the woman who carried me for nine months and then left me a broken mess with loads of issues which will probably never, ever go away, after the first sixteen years of what I consider torture. She could have spent half her life in jail for neglect and extreme emotional abuse.. and at times I wish she would. She was and always has been very conditional.. and as you may have read, recently changed her phone number and made it unlisted, again, so I could not contact her. Hence the extreme effort it takes for me to understand unconditional love, and to believe in it, consistently.

I've had a very rough time, much self induced, in the past months. I already had many issues to deal with from past mistakes, and find now that I only dug the hole deeper that I'm trying to climb out of. It seems it will take a lifetime, but I know this is not true. Today, with MUCH ahead of me to deal with, I am stress free. Not two days ago, maybe not two days from now.. but I feel stress free today, and that is a result of God's love and how He has shown it through friends, who I consider my real family, who love me -- unconditionally.

I love my friends, I really do -- though I do not know how to love them the way they love me, I hope someday I do. Love is an action I believe, not a feeling. I say this because the bible says to love our enemies, and if it was speaking of love being a feeling, that would just not be possible for us. My friends have loved me by speaking truth to me in a non-judgemental manner. My friends have loved me by telling me that they have missed me. My friends loved me by sharing with me financially so that my car now once again runs as well as another friend who fixed it for free as I could not afford that, and I can make it to the new and fantastic job that God has supplied me with. Two friends of mine, one from highschool, have shown me love by letting me stay with them in the midst of some hard times. One friend whom I hadn't seen in nearly 22 years has loved me in the past week by reconnecting with me over drinks and food at Frickers, and let me run my trap without interruption. One friend I have not seen in 16 years has shown me love by being intentional about re-establishing lines of communication with me and been there to let me share as he shares with me.. our problems and pain. My friends have loved me by not helping me when they thought the help may hurt me. My friends have loved me by putting me in a position to create the lesson for our smallgroup next week, reminding me that though I don't think highly of myself right now -- I am qualified, because I belong to Him. One friend loved me just yesterday by driving an hour to pick me up for a smallgroup which I was supposed to pick her up for (until my car broke down), and another loved me by driving me an hour home even though she didn't attend group nor had any plans with me. A friend at group last night showed me some love by a simple short look, letting me know that they could the pain in what I was talking about. All of these things are equal, not one more any greater or less than the other. Most of these people have seen me at my best and known of me being at my worst, and continue to be there for me, unconditionally. None of these people will ever change their phone number or on me like the woman who carried me, but rather love me in whatever action they feel is best at that point in time.. and I believe this.. I believe they are there for me no matter what, and I hope more than anything I can be this for them.

God,

Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the way you've shown me in so many different ways what unconditional love looks like. Thank you for showing me what it is not. Thank you for lifting my burdens recently from my shoulders when you knew I could not carry them anymore. Thank you for pulling me back out of the pit, sitting me on solid ground. Thank you for the food I ate today and for the days ahead in which I pray that I learn not only to love you, but to love those around me, more.

J

The color is coming back.

After Awaited in 2008, I felt like the blinds dropped, it got dark, and I could hear God no more.. I have harbored resentment which I still don't know that I've completely let go of - but I prayed with a friend some days back over facebook chat.

This whole year I felt alone.. completely alone, again. After we prayed, I felt like the blinds opened a little.. some color began to come back in, and I could begin to hear him.. again. I wondered if I ever would. I'm catching myself now.. and aware of Him now.. just a little bit, but a lot more than I have for awhile.. and it's coming again, without such an effort. This is good.

I once again realize I still have all kinds of things to work though, and realize there are things I'll fight against the rest of my life. I realize that there are things I'll have to forgive people for, the smae things, maybe every day.. I don't know how that'll work, but I guess each morning is new - but God is with me ready to carry those burdens if not with me, for me.

Things are looking up, and I'm once again, for the first time - in a long time - beginning to get excited.. not necessarily about the future, but about His Kingdom, and my place in it.

Peace.

Just an egg donor...

Ok it's been a while since I've posted... and I haven't been doing too great to be honest..

1 serving victim of circumstance
1 serving bad choices
followed down with a lot of diet coke..

that's what I've had to eat for the past few months...

should have never relocated to Dayton for a woman, that was my first mistake. Well, that sounds harsh.. I need to rephrase that.

I put a woman 1st and God on the back burner.. things were going well in Cincinnati for the most part.. and I was very close in my walk with God.. and community, and the outreach work that I am drawn to.. I left it all to move to Dayton in hopes a relationship would work which was based on nothing but.. well it didn't have God as the foundation, let's just say that.

Things just went downhill.

Months later, I'm less than a week from going back, after much depression and bad choices. I'm feeling good right now though, feel positive.. and after crying out to God for the first time in a long time, I feel somewhat put back together.. in a way.

So last night, I call my mother.... to make a very long story which doesn't need told, very short.. it comes down to this. After all her "attempted" stabs, which I could say a LOT about (many failed attempts to make some kind of point)... the end result was her telling me once again, that she is changing her phone number AGAIN and never to call her again.

Gosh, really? "Big suprise! Big suprise! That's an incredib.. I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that suprise!" (I believe those were the words of the parrot in Aladdin lol!) If she has taught me anything, it's what unconditional love is NOT. I've made my fair share of mistakes and have a lot of repairs to make in regards to relationships, but who could tell their kid never to call them again and change their phone number on them?

How could someone with a history of abandoning me REPEATEDLY... in my childhood.. for days, weeks, or even months at a time.. even leaving me with one boyfriend she hated while she was staying with a barfly on the other side of town... getting myself up for school, feeding myself, putting myself to bed, days on end alone... someone who always put her comfort ahead of mine, right up until she left at 16 for the last time.. left me once again with one man while she pursued another... who's house, even as a child not out of school, I wasn't welcome at.. who has changed her phone number various times to PREVENT her child from contacting her.. how could she tell me what I should be doing with my life?

A mother who fed me xanax and ambien upon request as if they were skittles, up until only a year or two ago.... Tell me I have no business going to Bar Louie one night in a year? Really?

A mother who still eats xanax and ambien like skittles...

What did Eminem say in that song.. I think it went like this "Shit, where the fuck you think I picked up the habit? All I had to do was go in the bedroom and lift up the mattress."

Excuse my language.. but I can really connect with those lyrics. I remember getting her xanax for her at times when I was a kid.. as she downed it with her kahula and cream... and that turned into her giving them to me... not that xanax was my problem, but drugs most definitely have posted an obstacle in my life which I've had a hard time overcoming, admittedly. I grew up watching her do drugs.. I guess if it was a script or if you could buy if from the liquor store she didn't consider it a drug, lol.

"just give him some quarters so we can drink our beer here at the bar in peace, there are video games at Hills"... never heard her say it, but they did it plenty of times.. she probably said it.

I remember her talking about her childhood in horror.. as a kid.. I wasn't capable of hearing about and dealing with her problems as a kid... those never should have been put on me... they weren't mine to deal with.

A Kelly Clarkson song which I must admit I connect with.. these lyrics hit me pretty hard.
"Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you I am afraid. I watched you die, I heard you cry, every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than not to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. Because of you I tried my hardest to forget everything. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. "

Hate to bring an eminem and kelly clarkson song into it, but dang those lyrics hit me..

I feel like there is something in me.. this 16+ year memory, which is over HALF of my life, which is a effin nightmare... that's a lot of nightmare.. and it just never really goes away.

You, mom, in your horrible childhood, at least saw grandma and grandpa go to work and come home on a daily basis.. you at least had modeled for you some kind of consistency.. you saw them work, saw them pay the bills.. that much at least.

You talk about what I should be doing? Hmmm.. I watched you move from under one rooftop to the next, none of them yours. I watched you eat xanax, get so wasted you couldn't speak clearly enough to make out a word you were saying, stab men with forks or chase them with frying pans, or get beat yourself. I, with John as my witness, watched you run into my room, when I had nothing to do with any of it, and say "This is all your fault you son of a bitch!" and run out the door, leaving me... with him. I got your tissues.. begged you not to leave again so many times.. slept through class and failed in school because I couldn't keep awake as a result of the late night screaming and arguments and drama... this is what I had modeled for me... You modeled how to be crazy, and I try every minute of every day NOT to be.. and believe me, it's an effort. Anything I have learned.. any social skills I have, work skills, or anything.. isn't because you taught me ANY of it.. it's only because I had to try tremendously hard to acquire these things...

Don't tell me where I should be mom or what I should do... sure I've gone short time without work... but don't tell me I expect too much.. if I do, it's not your business. I've EARNED the right to make good money and I've worked HARD for 12 years to become GREAT at what I do, no thanks to you. Don't give me advice, as your opinion on ANYTHING is not welcome here.

I'd have been better if you gave me up for adoption. And don't say it all was in the past.. go eat a xanax, and an ambien or two.. just to forget the fact that just last night, once again, you told me you were changing your phone number and never to contact you again.. popping pills and abandoning your kid.. you're a professional at those things.. nothing has changed. None of it is in the past.. it's all present day.. you just helped me realize that.

I've heard the term "he was just a sperm donor" at times... speaking of fathers like mine.. damn I pray I continue to grow and get my life straight soon so that can't be said about me much longer... but I've never heard a deadbeat mom be labeled as "just an egg donor.." well, that, mother, is what you were. You messed up by haphazardly attempting to take on the role as a mother for moments which were few and far between. Should have said bye at the hospital, don't you agree?

Sorry, not all blogs can be positive. I'm just being real.

Oh yeah one more thing I have to throw in - "you didn't tell anyone about me at school today, did you?" I heard that a lot as a kid growing up.

I wish I had told "the dragon lady." The "dragon lady" was a lady that lived in our building downstairs when mom was gone 24/7.. I think I was about 11 or so and I was raising myself, mom was nowhere to be found. The "dragon lady" is what mom called this woman.. this terrible woman who was concerned about me.. who I believe, if my memory serves correct, had called childrens services... oh what a horrible woman she was - says mom. God forbid anyone ever put me FIRST. You sure as hell never did.

Yeah mom, it's in my blog. I'm allowed to speak freely now, and don't have to keep your secrets... I can open up when and where and to whom I want.. ahh, it's so theraputic. Live with it. I do. Every day, thanks to you.