I have just completed the FREE journey with two small groups in Cincinnati, and now drive to Dayton weekly to facilitate a FREE small group there.. good stuff. A couple of friends who grew up in church are part of it -- maybe too much church and not enough God for them at some point in the past... and two friends who know nothing of church but really want God now.. Angie being one of them... haven't seen this girl in 16 years, and reconnected with her recently. Just awesome.. she's a great mother, works very hard.. still rough around the edges but feels like family. I remember the last time I saw her she was cussing my mom out call her a effin bitch when Angie was like 14 years old, lol.. not right, but mom surely asked for it by how Angie knew she treated me. Go Angie. She's still in my corner after all these years, and I am in hers.. love having her as part of our group.. she brings a lot to it.
SO, as Brian talked about.. we have four stages.. the "blahs," the "break,'" the "blues," and then becoming "free."
For me, the blahs was living in a state where I never felt loved by my mother growing up, so I had sex with lots of women over the years to fill that void.. never being able to stay faithful.. all the time thinking I was just a male whore who liked sex.. not the case at all. I was trying to fill a void that just couldn't be filled. Living like that, for me, was the blah stage.. the break was when I turned Tina down, as I spoke about in my previous entry I think.. the blues was how HORRIBLE I felt when she rejected me because I would not have sex with her.. and I'll tell you, it was really really bad. Then came the feeling of being FREE. And that, I do feel now.. at least from one thing. I have made better choices when it comes to intimacy since then, for the most part, and feel really good about myself.. now that I'm not only honoring God, but honoring myself.. ya know some people say you can't love someone else until you love yourself.. I think that may hold true with God, and I'm ok with that, that's just how He made me.. In loving myself and honoring myself, I find it easier to have these feelings and aspirations in how I feel for Him.
Getting ready to go back to court for Grace again soon...
Picking up a new client who I meet this coming tuesday at 5:30 which I'm very excited about.. really nice girl named Chrissy.. she loves God and I have to admit she has really sparked my interest though we've only had one good somewhat long talk on facebook, lol..
Workouts are going great.. just about what I would call "in shape." If I can totally avoid McDonalds fish sandwichs this week in times of weakness, I may get "there" next week.. abs are coming back very, VERY soon.
Excited about competing in State Championships this fall.. I'm going to win. I've got it in me, I'm motivated... I"ve been busting my ass, and I have the best prep coach around.. better than Rion was even... and this time, I'm not partying while getting ready. How in the world did I take 4th place in State middleweight division when eating 20 hits of x every other weekend and doing some speed here and there? That's crazy.
I'm out. peace.
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