Fear...

I have begun to realize, as I sit here at 33... really, being no further head than when I was 23.. well actually, I have less than I did ten years ago -- I am afraid.. I live in fear to pursue greatness. I have great potential, I KNOW I do. I have great things ahead of me if I just go after them.. and hoenstly, it's not that much effort for me! Things come easy for me under the right circumstances. Regretfully, the right circumstances for me looks like this - a good woman by my side whom makes me want a better life and whom when I look at - I forget my fears.. but regretfully, that's not where I am now, nor should I depend on that.

I seem to live in fear of greatness, because my mother did. She was afraid of everything, and still is... and I just can't seem to get out from underneath that. When ever things start going well, I tend to sabotage them.. because maybe I feel I don't deserve the good things in life? I don't know.. can't figure this one out. Just something I've been thinking about.

I hate her for this. I really do.

family

I have a family, and they love me. Their last name is Ezerski. No, not my dad.. my cousins. I talk to a group of them DAILY now. I get bombarded by messages from them on facebook.. hours and hours of conversation. It's fantastic. They didn't even know I existed.. they could have blown me off so easily, and that would have been a normal reaction.. these people embrace me and it's just crazy.. they're crazy about me! Seriously! I am already beginning to see what this whole family thing is all about. I will be seeing them on the 1st of this coming month. How great is that?

On a side note, they don't talk to their dad either.. and my dad is their uncle, who they don't really know. Not another day will go past that I'll say I don't have a family.. these people TREAT me like I've been fam for 33 years. God is so good.

peace, I'm out.

Life is good

Life, is good. Still daily struggles, as there will always be.... but for the most part, things are good...

I have just completed the FREE journey with two small groups in Cincinnati, and now drive to Dayton weekly to facilitate a FREE small group there.. good stuff. A couple of friends who grew up in church are part of it -- maybe too much church and not enough God for them at some point in the past... and two friends who know nothing of church but really want God now.. Angie being one of them... haven't seen this girl in 16 years, and reconnected with her recently. Just awesome.. she's a great mother, works very hard.. still rough around the edges but feels like family. I remember the last time I saw her she was cussing my mom out call her a effin bitch when Angie was like 14 years old, lol.. not right, but mom surely asked for it by how Angie knew she treated me. Go Angie. She's still in my corner after all these years, and I am in hers.. love having her as part of our group.. she brings a lot to it.

SO, as Brian talked about.. we have four stages.. the "blahs," the "break,'" the "blues," and then becoming "free."

For me, the blahs was living in a state where I never felt loved by my mother growing up, so I had sex with lots of women over the years to fill that void.. never being able to stay faithful.. all the time thinking I was just a male whore who liked sex.. not the case at all. I was trying to fill a void that just couldn't be filled. Living like that, for me, was the blah stage.. the break was when I turned Tina down, as I spoke about in my previous entry I think.. the blues was how HORRIBLE I felt when she rejected me because I would not have sex with her.. and I'll tell you, it was really really bad. Then came the feeling of being FREE. And that, I do feel now.. at least from one thing. I have made better choices when it comes to intimacy since then, for the most part, and feel really good about myself.. now that I'm not only honoring God, but honoring myself.. ya know some people say you can't love someone else until you love yourself.. I think that may hold true with God, and I'm ok with that, that's just how He made me.. In loving myself and honoring myself, I find it easier to have these feelings and aspirations in how I feel for Him.

Getting ready to go back to court for Grace again soon...

Picking up a new client who I meet this coming tuesday at 5:30 which I'm very excited about.. really nice girl named Chrissy.. she loves God and I have to admit she has really sparked my interest though we've only had one good somewhat long talk on facebook, lol..

Workouts are going great.. just about what I would call "in shape." If I can totally avoid McDonalds fish sandwichs this week in times of weakness, I may get "there" next week.. abs are coming back very, VERY soon.

Excited about competing in State Championships this fall.. I'm going to win. I've got it in me, I'm motivated... I"ve been busting my ass, and I have the best prep coach around.. better than Rion was even... and this time, I'm not partying while getting ready. How in the world did I take 4th place in State middleweight division when eating 20 hits of x every other weekend and doing some speed here and there? That's crazy.

I'm out. peace.

rejection...

Ok so this is a new girl I began dating since the last blog...

I'll keep this short, just have to get it out somewhere and I feel like I can't talk to anyone.. I've had enough problems, people are sick of even knowing about them at this point I'm sure.

New girl, different from the last blog. And no, we never slept together..

So I began dating a new girl about a week ago. First night we end up in bed.. and I stopped myself and told her no.. I couldn't do it.. she got so angry.. asked me why. I told her it was too fast and I want to respect her and myself.. more conversation came after that, but it doesn't matter what was said.

Two more times this week she tried and I said no.. I wanted to, I really did.. I just couldn't do it.. it wasn't right. I wanted to show her a respect that I don't think she's used to.. I wanted to respect myself for once.. and to try to follow His plan for me.. for once.. I wanted to sooo bad, I just couldn't.

Today she sent me a text and told me she can't date me anymore, that I've denied her three times, and that I'm a waste of her time.

Talk about pain.. this fucking hurts. Bad. I'd rather be inside of her, and feel loved and sinful, than feel this empty and rejected right now. This hurts.. bad.

I wonder what it would be like to not be attractive at all.. I sometimes wish I wasn't.. maybe I could find someone who likes me for me then.. but then again, maybe I'd never find anyone and always be alone. I don't know.. I'm so confused.

I could literally cry myself to sleep right now. Have to grab coffee with a friend though and then meet a friend with whom I'm going to small group tonight.. time to pull it together, put my smile back on, pull my head up, and be mr confident again.

Talk about broken.. wow... I think I'm going to call her and tell her I'll sleep with her if she'll give me another chance.

It's not about me...

Well...

So I've an interest. I won't put the l word before the word interest, as that would be inappropriate, I think.

Let's start by saying that I feel as if this woman is the best friend I have. I trust her completely.. and when I say completely, I do not mean that lightly.

I'll not go into much detail in this writing, but I what I will say is this..

What is so different this time... in this interest... this is what is different. It's not about me, it's about her. This is not her "time." And if I do truly care, then the best way I can love her in action is to be a friend.. there no matter what, and to not act on my any feelings I have above and beyond our friendship.

You see, in my mind - I automatically equate that to the possibility of a missed opportunity with her.. not that I am so full of myself to think she would want a relationship with me.. I do know that if she did, now is not the right time.. at least not the right time for more than a friendship.. so how long would I wait? A month? A year? How do I gauge that? I don't want to find that me caring for her means I ultimately lose her one day to someone else because I didn't pursue.. I guess if I really, really want to love her in action.. I just sit back, trust God, put my wants aside, and be exactly what she needs right now.. which is simply a friend.

It's not about me.. it's about her.. and what a change.. so odd, because I'm just not like that. Well, this time I am.

Is wasting time a sin FOR ME?

From what I understand to sin means to "miss the mark."

If this is the case...

I'm sure there are many good examples but right now I'll just use reality tv (used to spend a lot of time watching, but not now) and facebook.

Reality tv a sin? Really? Yeah, that sounds wayyyyyyy too extreme of an idea for me. Truth is though, I think that spending time doing nothing but watching OTHER people engage in their lives is a waste of the time He gave us here, completely pointless, and definitely is missing the mark. Sinful does sound a little extreme, but if sin means missing the mark then it must be exactly that.

Ok facebook.. I'm hooked, and if you're reading this blog you probably know me and know I'm constantly on it.. and I mean constantly. I can easily justify it and do actally have some good reasons to check it throughout the day, but the amount of time I spend on it is ridiculous.. and much of it is being updated on how other people are engaging in their lives (Twitter is supposed to be more ridiculous from what I've heard.) . Isn't that stupid? Really? Spending hours a day in research of what OTHER people are doing. That, my friends, is missing the mark to me. Sin? For me I think it is... and I'm just realizing it.

I guess most things one would think, done in moderation, are ok.. reality television isn't debatable with me, but facebook is.. maybe just because I like it so much. Something I need to be aware of in the coming days.

nothing deep, just a thought.

I'm out.

J

How things change so quickly!

Wow this has been a crazy past month... I've gone from a state where I felt like I had honestly given up on things and was completely isolated to a place where I am SO excited to see what God has in store for me today, SO excited for all the opportunities to interact with people today, and SO excited to find some way to love on someone today.. thank God He's helping me see people around me that need it so much, and has put me in a place once again where I'm able to love on them and build them up.

From here until Sunday evening is very busy, and I anticipate next week be quite busy as well. Remember, I went from doing nothing and rolling around in my depression.. pulling some under my head and the rest over my body to keep warm lol... right back to a packed schedule as usual. That, is a miracle. Schedule for the weekend starting.. now --

finish blog
cook breakfast
finish laundry
stop by Terry's gym in hopes to get items I left/iphone
stop by Mikes office
Kenwood high noon aa meeting
Crossroads
Work out with Rachel at 3pm at Lifetime
Dinner with friend

saturday -
train Chuck for 1st session
possible fitness consultation in lebanon
clean out car
movie / hang with andrew

sunday -
service at 8:30am
volunteer meeting at Crossroads at 10:00am
movie / hang with katie from 11am until 3pm
pick up charlie
dinner with smallgroup at 5pm
lead group at 6pm until 9 or 10pm

God really is working in so many ways in my life, and one of them is making me very busy.. and I'm just not good when I'm not busy... I hate being unproductive. Another way He is working in my life right now is giving me an opportunity to minister to the people around me by simply loving on them.. showing them God's love without preaching at them or trying to convince them of things.. just simply loving on them by showing I care however I can.. a little consideration and a smile goes a long way.

God,

I'm so excited about coming back towards you... I thank you for what was said when Charity and I talked.. and prayed... and that our words were not only heard but answered. I don't konw how much longer I could have felt alone, the way that I did. You are the great healer God, and I doubted you on that 13 months ago.. I'm sorry I questioned you, but you know that's in our nature. I had so much pain just a month ago and I "feel" complete and whole right now, ready to put you once again in the center of everything I do and excited to once again continuing what I do... the calling you've given me.. just to love people, by action. Help me to watch my mouth today as Ephesians 4:29 is my focus right now, and I also pray that you help me with the lesson plan tonight.... it's going to be a long one. Love ya dad.

J