I went to Vineyard Westside this evening to hear a dear friend give her first message. She was great, the church itself is great... one thing hit me right in the beginning which took me away for most of the service though.
The second song.. these words.. I've sang them a hundred times in my youth..
With all creation I sing,
Praise to the King of Kings,
You are my everything,
and I will, adore you
What does it mean for me to adore Jesus, my friend, my father, my creator, my savior.. what does that mean, what does that look like for me?
I really have no idea. That's the problem.
I just broke down tonight in tears as those words kept surging through my head.
My prayer life is lacking. I spend less and less time in the word lately. My community.. well.. the level at which I participate in community.. it sucks, really.
God has blessed me over and over, and it has been completely evident by many who have seen all that I've gone through or rather put myself through over the past few years that miracles do happen, and I've experienced more than a handful.
As I look at my day, past week, or two actually... here's what I see. I'm pissing all over my blessings. Plain and simple. I've got a problem that needs addressed... a sin problem, a riding the fence problem, a luke warm problem, a control problem...
If you're reading this and you don't like my terminology, please refer back to my first post. If you don't like it, don't read it. I don't care.
I'm pissing on my blessings.. I'm telling God through my actions that I just don't care as much as I say and act like I do. I'm good at talking the talk and to say that I half ass the walk would give my efforts too much credit.
Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in grace and forgiveness, and I embrace them.. but they don't provide an excuse for the way I live my life.
Something has to give, and I mean now.
God... I'm so sorry.
Things start fresh this moment... I'm forgiven.. let's try this again God... Pick me up, my legs aren't feeling too solid right now.. I'm a bit wobbly.. easily influenced... easily tempted..
Wow I feel like you're right here with me tonight.. and I need that.. We'll revert back to calling you Dad for tonight, because that's how I see you at the moment.
Dad... please, please turn my heart towards you this week. Convict me. Make me aware. Surround me with people who will walk the right way with me, or show me where they are so I can find them.. and find You in them...
I love you.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
It's been a while, lots has happened...
Ok it's been a minute since I wrote in here so I guess I have a little catching up to do. I should have kept, so I'll just give the big picture.
Well big things just keep on happening and it's all God.. so huge, so evident, so awesome, so God.
I re-connected with my mom recently, and we spent a day together. We went down to City Gospel Mission together and it was just awesome. Such a blessing. We got along great, are still both a bit hard headed, and I still think I'm right most of the time. I'm learning acceptance.. I thnk we both are to some degree, though I do believe she should do things MY way lol. My perception of life is correct, yes? Well, maybe.. maybe not.. maybe a little bit of both.
City Gospel Mission blesses ME so much each week. I continue to get gratitude, to remember where I came from, how much worse it could have been, how far God has brought me, as I also get to see God through the people there that we serve... I may have become wealthier when it comes to material possesions and what not recently... but I still see people there that have true smiles and make me feel that maybe I'm missing the bigger picture when I get wrapped up with what shoes I want to buy next or get too into my iphone... I need to stop, step back, and just appreciate the people around me, the community I have, the love I get to experience week in and week out.. my job, my friends, the relationship which is growing with my mom, what God has for me in the days, weeks, and months ahead... there are a lot of things which I already take for granted.. and it wasn't that long ago that I had none of these things.. reality check Jason.
My cousin is on his way down to see me as we speak. We haven't spoken in like two years.. long story there that woud not be beneficial to get into, but yes it's anothe miracle. I'm so excited to see him. I love my cuzzo.
My job.. love it. Not making much money AT ALL, but that's ok. I'm happy. I'm not running the show for once, I have a boss that I truly ahve to submit to and just do what he says... there is freedom in that, SOMEHOW. It's great.. love the clients, my co-workers, boss, everything.. it's just great.
Getting ready to start in a new smallgroup on Sunday evenings that I'm super excited about.. I'll get back more on that later.
Just got out of Prospect House.. a treatment facility which I had to go through because of a horrible choice I made like three years ago... I got out WAY early. They told me this past monday to pack my stuff and be out Tuesday morning.. totally unexpected. Life is good. I go to court next Thursday and it looks as if all probation/charges will be terminated. Never have to go to jail again, never have hand-cuffs on again, never call a probation officer again or piss in a cup again.. never need to use a drug, ever, ever again. New chance, fresh start.. eyes wide open.
Peace.
Well big things just keep on happening and it's all God.. so huge, so evident, so awesome, so God.
I re-connected with my mom recently, and we spent a day together. We went down to City Gospel Mission together and it was just awesome. Such a blessing. We got along great, are still both a bit hard headed, and I still think I'm right most of the time. I'm learning acceptance.. I thnk we both are to some degree, though I do believe she should do things MY way lol. My perception of life is correct, yes? Well, maybe.. maybe not.. maybe a little bit of both.
City Gospel Mission blesses ME so much each week. I continue to get gratitude, to remember where I came from, how much worse it could have been, how far God has brought me, as I also get to see God through the people there that we serve... I may have become wealthier when it comes to material possesions and what not recently... but I still see people there that have true smiles and make me feel that maybe I'm missing the bigger picture when I get wrapped up with what shoes I want to buy next or get too into my iphone... I need to stop, step back, and just appreciate the people around me, the community I have, the love I get to experience week in and week out.. my job, my friends, the relationship which is growing with my mom, what God has for me in the days, weeks, and months ahead... there are a lot of things which I already take for granted.. and it wasn't that long ago that I had none of these things.. reality check Jason.
My cousin is on his way down to see me as we speak. We haven't spoken in like two years.. long story there that woud not be beneficial to get into, but yes it's anothe miracle. I'm so excited to see him. I love my cuzzo.
My job.. love it. Not making much money AT ALL, but that's ok. I'm happy. I'm not running the show for once, I have a boss that I truly ahve to submit to and just do what he says... there is freedom in that, SOMEHOW. It's great.. love the clients, my co-workers, boss, everything.. it's just great.
Getting ready to start in a new smallgroup on Sunday evenings that I'm super excited about.. I'll get back more on that later.
Just got out of Prospect House.. a treatment facility which I had to go through because of a horrible choice I made like three years ago... I got out WAY early. They told me this past monday to pack my stuff and be out Tuesday morning.. totally unexpected. Life is good. I go to court next Thursday and it looks as if all probation/charges will be terminated. Never have to go to jail again, never have hand-cuffs on again, never call a probation officer again or piss in a cup again.. never need to use a drug, ever, ever again. New chance, fresh start.. eyes wide open.
Peace.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
City Gospel Mission
Ok let me rewind to about four years back or so...
There was this girl that I really wanted to date named Melissa. She asked me one day if I would like to come serve food to the homeless downtown on that friday night. I thought she was kidding at first, but she wasn't. I proceeded to ask her how much we got paid, then she laughed. I thought to myself, "serve food to homeless people for free? This must be a joke. No way. Absolutely no way. Time is money and I'm not spending my friday night doing that of all things."
Ok let's go to the weekend of March 9th or maybe March 16th of 2008. I walked in my church for one of the first couple weekends there and asked a woman named Jamie who seemed at home there, very comfortable on a couch reading a book, how to get connected.. the place seemed so big that I figured it would be impossible to get connected with it as I was from a church of roughly 300 people when I was younger. She said to volunteer, and I did just that.
It's about 17 months since then that I write this. Wow, what an experience. Volunteering is just so awesome, and it's me that gets blessed more than anyone else. I've been blessed with some really fun opportunities to volunteer and it's just a huge blessing every single time. Now, I'm doing City Gospel Mission on friday evenings.
I'm not sure what all they do at City Gospel Mission but I can tell you what it did for me the first weekend in.. I had the opportunity to see where I could be if I continued in my substance abuse.. I could be homeless, living in a shelter - or much worse, on the street or in the park. I could be losing my health, wondering where my next meal will come from, worrying about my saftey, looking for my next pill or drink or hit... no hope in sight.
Some of these people still are smiling though, and I can't help but all the smiles can't be fake. I can't imagine smiling in a position like that, but some of them do. I think what I see is God in them... yeah, I'm quite sure of it. They have nothing, but He's still with them, carrying them, and somehow - they know it.. some of them do. What a blessing it is... how it causes me to realize how blessed I am.
As I think about experiences like this it makes me feel (for a moment) like.. forget about the clothes, car, all those material things. I just want more of you God... I love you so much Jesus.
There was this girl that I really wanted to date named Melissa. She asked me one day if I would like to come serve food to the homeless downtown on that friday night. I thought she was kidding at first, but she wasn't. I proceeded to ask her how much we got paid, then she laughed. I thought to myself, "serve food to homeless people for free? This must be a joke. No way. Absolutely no way. Time is money and I'm not spending my friday night doing that of all things."
Ok let's go to the weekend of March 9th or maybe March 16th of 2008. I walked in my church for one of the first couple weekends there and asked a woman named Jamie who seemed at home there, very comfortable on a couch reading a book, how to get connected.. the place seemed so big that I figured it would be impossible to get connected with it as I was from a church of roughly 300 people when I was younger. She said to volunteer, and I did just that.
It's about 17 months since then that I write this. Wow, what an experience. Volunteering is just so awesome, and it's me that gets blessed more than anyone else. I've been blessed with some really fun opportunities to volunteer and it's just a huge blessing every single time. Now, I'm doing City Gospel Mission on friday evenings.
I'm not sure what all they do at City Gospel Mission but I can tell you what it did for me the first weekend in.. I had the opportunity to see where I could be if I continued in my substance abuse.. I could be homeless, living in a shelter - or much worse, on the street or in the park. I could be losing my health, wondering where my next meal will come from, worrying about my saftey, looking for my next pill or drink or hit... no hope in sight.
Some of these people still are smiling though, and I can't help but all the smiles can't be fake. I can't imagine smiling in a position like that, but some of them do. I think what I see is God in them... yeah, I'm quite sure of it. They have nothing, but He's still with them, carrying them, and somehow - they know it.. some of them do. What a blessing it is... how it causes me to realize how blessed I am.
As I think about experiences like this it makes me feel (for a moment) like.. forget about the clothes, car, all those material things. I just want more of you God... I love you so much Jesus.
Grace in action..
Grace, isn't it a wonderful thing?
I've begun a process of apologies lately.. I have a list, kind of like the Earl guy on the t.v. show (and no that's not where the idea came from lol.)
Talk about the weight on my shoulders getting lighter and lighter..
I can't get into them here, but I will say this. The process is just amazing. The people I most dreaded going to are the ones who have shown me the most grace. One was a previous employer. I had a better chance getting a job working for NASA designing satellites than I did working for him again.. well not only was I forgiven, but given a job back. Grace, in action.
Made an amends this previous weekend to a high school girlfriend.. from like 14 years ago.. had to confess some things I did.. though it confused her why after all this time it mattered, the apology was accepted and I felt much better.
Also this previous weekend, I made amends with two great friends whom I went through a lot with.... that was a complicated one and I hadn't seen them in a few years. Apologies accepted, and I felt it. I felt it in my heart and the weight on my shoulders got a little lighter once again.
God is just so awesome.
I've begun a process of apologies lately.. I have a list, kind of like the Earl guy on the t.v. show (and no that's not where the idea came from lol.)
Talk about the weight on my shoulders getting lighter and lighter..
I can't get into them here, but I will say this. The process is just amazing. The people I most dreaded going to are the ones who have shown me the most grace. One was a previous employer. I had a better chance getting a job working for NASA designing satellites than I did working for him again.. well not only was I forgiven, but given a job back. Grace, in action.
Made an amends this previous weekend to a high school girlfriend.. from like 14 years ago.. had to confess some things I did.. though it confused her why after all this time it mattered, the apology was accepted and I felt much better.
Also this previous weekend, I made amends with two great friends whom I went through a lot with.... that was a complicated one and I hadn't seen them in a few years. Apologies accepted, and I felt it. I felt it in my heart and the weight on my shoulders got a little lighter once again.
God is just so awesome.
Still a struggle..
and I just don't really know why. I'm totally comforted on one hand.. honestly, I get a lot of comfort knowing for a fact, without a doubt, that she's with God right now. That's so awesome. Maybe that's why I'm so moved... maybe it's not a struggle but everything always has been or I've made everything a struggle.. I'm flipping through songs on my iphone today and came across We Three Kings.. my eyes still tear up and my stomach turns in knots. One minute I picutre it all over in my head, seeing her fall -- but then I consider the fact that I really don't know anything.. I was so mad at God for not stopping it, but maybe He did. Maybe she didn't hit the ground. Maybe, just maybe, she started ascending before her body ever touched the floor. He could have done that. He already knew she wouuldn't make it through the night, and I can't believe He would have let her go through any pain.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Spiritual maturity..
We had a series last year at my church which got in depth about relationships.. and what kind we needed to grow. A few notes..
I need friends who -
1. Love God
2. Have my best interest at heart
3. Have a history of making good choices
to help me grow in many ways.. (proverbs 27:17)
Last year I made a promise to submit to the authority of some people whom I have a lot of respect for and trust, and now I realize that it's not as easy as I thought.
I've encountered a situation that I wasn't ready for nor am I totally comfortable with, but I guess growth isn't always comfortable. These people whom I spoke of that I respect and trust have strongly encouraged me to make some changes in my life that I don't necessarily understand, agree with, nor am I comfortable with. I trust them thoughm, as hard as it is. I wouldn't have sought these people out if I had done such a great job at managing my life before... so though I have a hard time with accepting these changes, I realize that I made this commitment last year and I need to stick to it, even when it's not comfortable. If people truly love me, they're not always going to tell me what I want to hear.
Now about spiritual maturity - something I heard recently which makes sense to me now.
Spiritual maturity is not necessarily gained by age or experience, but rather by following through with commitments.
This is going to be a hard one to follow through on, but I'm confident that the harder it is for me, the more beauty and growth lies on the other side of it.
I need friends who -
1. Love God
2. Have my best interest at heart
3. Have a history of making good choices
to help me grow in many ways.. (proverbs 27:17)
Last year I made a promise to submit to the authority of some people whom I have a lot of respect for and trust, and now I realize that it's not as easy as I thought.
I've encountered a situation that I wasn't ready for nor am I totally comfortable with, but I guess growth isn't always comfortable. These people whom I spoke of that I respect and trust have strongly encouraged me to make some changes in my life that I don't necessarily understand, agree with, nor am I comfortable with. I trust them thoughm, as hard as it is. I wouldn't have sought these people out if I had done such a great job at managing my life before... so though I have a hard time with accepting these changes, I realize that I made this commitment last year and I need to stick to it, even when it's not comfortable. If people truly love me, they're not always going to tell me what I want to hear.
Now about spiritual maturity - something I heard recently which makes sense to me now.
Spiritual maturity is not necessarily gained by age or experience, but rather by following through with commitments.
This is going to be a hard one to follow through on, but I'm confident that the harder it is for me, the more beauty and growth lies on the other side of it.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
TO: GOD
Dad,
I'm in the middle of my workday now... taking a break at Crossroads grabbing a cup of coffee. As I look at my day, I'm just amazed that I am where I am today. This is all because of you. I'm just amazed with the way things are going for me... the way I'm changing - from the inside out. I feel forgiven today. I feel like I know how to love others today. I have hope today. I am encouraged today. I am happy today. I love my job today. I am looking forward to tommorow, today.
I think it's today that I need to ask for your help. Is this where I messed up last time? I think when things get good is when I stop leaning on you.. so I'm asking you to help me remember I need to do things different this time. Now that things are getting good, I need to lean on you more - not less.
Help me to be self aware.
Help me to see the sin in my life, so I can continually weed it out.
Help me to see the people I come in contact with through your eyes, not mine.
Help me to stay sober.
Help me to be a good dad.
Help me to be a good son.
Help me to be a good friend.
Help me to become a man a woman wants as a husband.
Help me to be a good employee.
Help me to be a good servant of You.
Help me to have patience and tolerance.
Help me to love more.
Help me to be forgiving.
Help me to be less selfish and self centered.
Help me to find balance.
Help me to remember that I need You to be the center of everything.
I love you Dad.
Your son,
J
I'm in the middle of my workday now... taking a break at Crossroads grabbing a cup of coffee. As I look at my day, I'm just amazed that I am where I am today. This is all because of you. I'm just amazed with the way things are going for me... the way I'm changing - from the inside out. I feel forgiven today. I feel like I know how to love others today. I have hope today. I am encouraged today. I am happy today. I love my job today. I am looking forward to tommorow, today.
I think it's today that I need to ask for your help. Is this where I messed up last time? I think when things get good is when I stop leaning on you.. so I'm asking you to help me remember I need to do things different this time. Now that things are getting good, I need to lean on you more - not less.
Help me to be self aware.
Help me to see the sin in my life, so I can continually weed it out.
Help me to see the people I come in contact with through your eyes, not mine.
Help me to stay sober.
Help me to be a good dad.
Help me to be a good son.
Help me to be a good friend.
Help me to become a man a woman wants as a husband.
Help me to be a good employee.
Help me to be a good servant of You.
Help me to have patience and tolerance.
Help me to love more.
Help me to be forgiving.
Help me to be less selfish and self centered.
Help me to find balance.
Help me to remember that I need You to be the center of everything.
I love you Dad.
Your son,
J
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