Unconditional love

Unconditional love.. I still don't completely understand it yet, but I do a little bit better each day.. most days at least.

My last blog I wrote about the woman who carried me for nine months and then left me a broken mess with loads of issues which will probably never, ever go away, after the first sixteen years of what I consider torture. She could have spent half her life in jail for neglect and extreme emotional abuse.. and at times I wish she would. She was and always has been very conditional.. and as you may have read, recently changed her phone number and made it unlisted, again, so I could not contact her. Hence the extreme effort it takes for me to understand unconditional love, and to believe in it, consistently.

I've had a very rough time, much self induced, in the past months. I already had many issues to deal with from past mistakes, and find now that I only dug the hole deeper that I'm trying to climb out of. It seems it will take a lifetime, but I know this is not true. Today, with MUCH ahead of me to deal with, I am stress free. Not two days ago, maybe not two days from now.. but I feel stress free today, and that is a result of God's love and how He has shown it through friends, who I consider my real family, who love me -- unconditionally.

I love my friends, I really do -- though I do not know how to love them the way they love me, I hope someday I do. Love is an action I believe, not a feeling. I say this because the bible says to love our enemies, and if it was speaking of love being a feeling, that would just not be possible for us. My friends have loved me by speaking truth to me in a non-judgemental manner. My friends have loved me by telling me that they have missed me. My friends loved me by sharing with me financially so that my car now once again runs as well as another friend who fixed it for free as I could not afford that, and I can make it to the new and fantastic job that God has supplied me with. Two friends of mine, one from highschool, have shown me love by letting me stay with them in the midst of some hard times. One friend whom I hadn't seen in nearly 22 years has loved me in the past week by reconnecting with me over drinks and food at Frickers, and let me run my trap without interruption. One friend I have not seen in 16 years has shown me love by being intentional about re-establishing lines of communication with me and been there to let me share as he shares with me.. our problems and pain. My friends have loved me by not helping me when they thought the help may hurt me. My friends have loved me by putting me in a position to create the lesson for our smallgroup next week, reminding me that though I don't think highly of myself right now -- I am qualified, because I belong to Him. One friend loved me just yesterday by driving an hour to pick me up for a smallgroup which I was supposed to pick her up for (until my car broke down), and another loved me by driving me an hour home even though she didn't attend group nor had any plans with me. A friend at group last night showed me some love by a simple short look, letting me know that they could the pain in what I was talking about. All of these things are equal, not one more any greater or less than the other. Most of these people have seen me at my best and known of me being at my worst, and continue to be there for me, unconditionally. None of these people will ever change their phone number or on me like the woman who carried me, but rather love me in whatever action they feel is best at that point in time.. and I believe this.. I believe they are there for me no matter what, and I hope more than anything I can be this for them.

God,

Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the way you've shown me in so many different ways what unconditional love looks like. Thank you for showing me what it is not. Thank you for lifting my burdens recently from my shoulders when you knew I could not carry them anymore. Thank you for pulling me back out of the pit, sitting me on solid ground. Thank you for the food I ate today and for the days ahead in which I pray that I learn not only to love you, but to love those around me, more.

J