I will adore you

I went to Vineyard Westside this evening to hear a dear friend give her first message. She was great, the church itself is great... one thing hit me right in the beginning which took me away for most of the service though.

The second song.. these words.. I've sang them a hundred times in my youth..

With all creation I sing,
Praise to the King of Kings,
You are my everything,
and I will, adore you

What does it mean for me to adore Jesus, my friend, my father, my creator, my savior.. what does that mean, what does that look like for me?

I really have no idea. That's the problem.

I just broke down tonight in tears as those words kept surging through my head.

My prayer life is lacking. I spend less and less time in the word lately. My community.. well.. the level at which I participate in community.. it sucks, really.

God has blessed me over and over, and it has been completely evident by many who have seen all that I've gone through or rather put myself through over the past few years that miracles do happen, and I've experienced more than a handful.

As I look at my day, past week, or two actually... here's what I see. I'm pissing all over my blessings. Plain and simple. I've got a problem that needs addressed... a sin problem, a riding the fence problem, a luke warm problem, a control problem...

If you're reading this and you don't like my terminology, please refer back to my first post. If you don't like it, don't read it. I don't care.

I'm pissing on my blessings.. I'm telling God through my actions that I just don't care as much as I say and act like I do. I'm good at talking the talk and to say that I half ass the walk would give my efforts too much credit.

Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in grace and forgiveness, and I embrace them.. but they don't provide an excuse for the way I live my life.

Something has to give, and I mean now.

God... I'm so sorry.

Things start fresh this moment... I'm forgiven.. let's try this again God... Pick me up, my legs aren't feeling too solid right now.. I'm a bit wobbly.. easily influenced... easily tempted..

Wow I feel like you're right here with me tonight.. and I need that.. We'll revert back to calling you Dad for tonight, because that's how I see you at the moment.

Dad... please, please turn my heart towards you this week. Convict me. Make me aware. Surround me with people who will walk the right way with me, or show me where they are so I can find them.. and find You in them...

I love you.

It's been a while, lots has happened...

Ok it's been a minute since I wrote in here so I guess I have a little catching up to do. I should have kept, so I'll just give the big picture.

Well big things just keep on happening and it's all God.. so huge, so evident, so awesome, so God.

I re-connected with my mom recently, and we spent a day together. We went down to City Gospel Mission together and it was just awesome. Such a blessing. We got along great, are still both a bit hard headed, and I still think I'm right most of the time. I'm learning acceptance.. I thnk we both are to some degree, though I do believe she should do things MY way lol. My perception of life is correct, yes? Well, maybe.. maybe not.. maybe a little bit of both.

City Gospel Mission blesses ME so much each week. I continue to get gratitude, to remember where I came from, how much worse it could have been, how far God has brought me, as I also get to see God through the people there that we serve... I may have become wealthier when it comes to material possesions and what not recently... but I still see people there that have true smiles and make me feel that maybe I'm missing the bigger picture when I get wrapped up with what shoes I want to buy next or get too into my iphone... I need to stop, step back, and just appreciate the people around me, the community I have, the love I get to experience week in and week out.. my job, my friends, the relationship which is growing with my mom, what God has for me in the days, weeks, and months ahead... there are a lot of things which I already take for granted.. and it wasn't that long ago that I had none of these things.. reality check Jason.

My cousin is on his way down to see me as we speak. We haven't spoken in like two years.. long story there that woud not be beneficial to get into, but yes it's anothe miracle. I'm so excited to see him. I love my cuzzo.

My job.. love it. Not making much money AT ALL, but that's ok. I'm happy. I'm not running the show for once, I have a boss that I truly ahve to submit to and just do what he says... there is freedom in that, SOMEHOW. It's great.. love the clients, my co-workers, boss, everything.. it's just great.

Getting ready to start in a new smallgroup on Sunday evenings that I'm super excited about.. I'll get back more on that later.

Just got out of Prospect House.. a treatment facility which I had to go through because of a horrible choice I made like three years ago... I got out WAY early. They told me this past monday to pack my stuff and be out Tuesday morning.. totally unexpected. Life is good. I go to court next Thursday and it looks as if all probation/charges will be terminated. Never have to go to jail again, never have hand-cuffs on again, never call a probation officer again or piss in a cup again.. never need to use a drug, ever, ever again. New chance, fresh start.. eyes wide open.

Peace.