A bad day...

Yesterday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My life is getting better every day, and many more days than not I'm in a great mood - yesterday was different. I couldn't seem to give a genuine smile until last night.

I was completely discontent. I'm in a process now, which I guess really never ends if I make the DECISION to live for God.

I'm in a healing process, as I work through a seemingly endless struggle of coping with my early years. I still don't really know what normal is or how things should be... I'm doing my best to figure it out though, step by step.

I'm in a process of learning how to cope with stress. I turned to alcohol and drugs starting at 14yrs old because I didn't know how to cope. Normal everyday stress seems magnified to me as I deal with it for the first time completely sober.. no alcohol to numb me, no pills to decrease the anxiety... No joint to help my mind to stop racing so I can sleep. I'm learning to lean on God, and lean on the people around me, and to open up.

I'm in a process of learning how to have acceptance. I'm realizing that a huge part of the problems in my life has been a result of how I react when people don't meet my expectations... as I realize this, I realize I can't control people, places, or things -- I can only control myself and how I act. The days I am good with this new practice turn out very well.

I'm in a process of learning how to let people love me. This is a very hard one for me, and more days than not I truly still think there's a catch.. more days than not I feel like I owe someone when they do something nice for me.. it's so hard to accept love and the actions that follow it from people... I'm getting better at it though.. what's great though, is that as I'm getting better at accepting love, I'm learning how to love the people I care about.. that's the big plus.

I'm in a process of learning how to be selfless rather than selfish. I've been in self-preservation mode since day one. I've had to watch out for numero uno (me) starting way back.. it was all about me from a young age, and I guess it kind of had to be when I was younger. I took care of me, I kept me safe, I kept me moving forward... I'm just beginning to realize I can stop. Yeah, I need to take care of myself, but I have a community of people around me whom love me, I have great friends who love me, and I even have my mom back in my life who surely loves me. I don't need to be so selfish anymore... I'm not alone.. as I realize that, I put my fists down... then I can open not only my hands, but my arms.. I can get and give hugs now.. I can spend time on other people instead of myself all the time.. I'll be ok at the end of today, no matter what happens.. Now it's time for me to be of help to other people, and that's so much more rewarding.

I'm in a process of pursuing God and what He has for me in His Kingdom. This is the process that I always enjoy, though some days I admittedly get quite intimidated. Some days I feel as if Satan is whispering in my ear that I've made too many mistakes to be worthy of God's work... but I know that's not true... and what a process this is. I don't know exactly what God has for me next month or next year or ten year from now, but the picture gets more clear every day.. at least I think. What I do know is that I'm working my way towards it... and the great thing about this one is, it's not getting there that excites me, it's the process... what a beautiful process.

Yesterday, all of this seemed like too much. I felt like I had too much on my plate.. Too much to balance on my shoulders... Then I read something on the wall of a meeting I was at. This is what it said:

"remember that there has never been a day that lasted forever."

I smiled.. and laughed at myself a little bit. That was yesterday, and I woke up today, smiling as usual.

I hope you're having a good day today. If not, remember - it won't last forever. There hasn't been a day that has.