God works!

Fear...

2010-07-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

I have begun to realize, as I sit here at 33... really, being no further head than when I was 23.. well actually, I have less than I did ten years ago -- I am afraid.. I live in fear to pursue greatness. I have great potential, I KNOW I do. I have great things ahead of me if I just go after them.. and hoenstly, it's not that much effort for me! Things come easy for me under the right circumstances. Regretfully, the right circumstances for me looks like this - a good woman by my side whom makes me want a better life and whom when I look at - I forget my fears.. but regretfully, that's not where I am now, nor should I depend on that.

I seem to live in fear of greatness, because my mother did. She was afraid of everything, and still is... and I just can't seem to get out from underneath that. When ever things start going well, I tend to sabotage them.. because maybe I feel I don't deserve the good things in life? I don't know.. can't figure this one out. Just something I've been thinking about.

I hate her for this. I really do.

family

2010-04-14T11:55:00.001-07:00

I have a family, and they love me. Their last name is Ezerski. No, not my dad.. my cousins. I talk to a group of them DAILY now. I get bombarded by messages from them on facebook.. hours and hours of conversation. It's fantastic. They didn't even know I existed.. they could have blown me off so easily, and that would have been a normal reaction.. these people embrace me and it's just crazy.. they're crazy about me! Seriously! I am already beginning to see what this whole family thing is all about. I will be seeing them on the 1st of this coming month. How great is that?

On a side note, they don't talk to their dad either.. and my dad is their uncle, who they don't really know. Not another day will go past that I'll say I don't have a family.. these people TREAT me like I've been fam for 33 years. God is so good.

peace, I'm out.

Life is good

2010-04-11T14:41:00.000-07:00

Life, is good. Still daily struggles, as there will always be.... but for the most part, things are good...

I have just completed the FREE journey with two small groups in Cincinnati, and now drive to Dayton weekly to facilitate a FREE small group there.. good stuff. A couple of friends who grew up in church are part of it -- maybe too much church and not enough God for them at some point in the past... and two friends who know nothing of church but really want God now.. Angie being one of them... haven't seen this girl in 16 years, and reconnected with her recently. Just awesome.. she's a great mother, works very hard.. still rough around the edges but feels like family. I remember the last time I saw her she was cussing my mom out call her a effin bitch when Angie was like 14 years old, lol.. not right, but mom surely asked for it by how Angie knew she treated me. Go Angie. She's still in my corner after all these years, and I am in hers.. love having her as part of our group.. she brings a lot to it.

SO, as Brian talked about.. we have four stages.. the "blahs," the "break,'" the "blues," and then becoming "free."

For me, the blahs was living in a state where I never felt loved by my mother growing up, so I had sex with lots of women over the years to fill that void.. never being able to stay faithful.. all the time thinking I was just a male whore who liked sex.. not the case at all. I was trying to fill a void that just couldn't be filled. Living like that, for me, was the blah stage.. the break was when I turned Tina down, as I spoke about in my previous entry I think.. the blues was how HORRIBLE I felt when she rejected me because I would not have sex with her.. and I'll tell you, it was really really bad. Then came the feeling of being FREE. And that, I do feel now.. at least from one thing. I have made better choices when it comes to intimacy since then, for the most part, and feel really good about myself.. now that I'm not only honoring God, but honoring myself.. ya know some people say you can't love someone else until you love yourself.. I think that may hold true with God, and I'm ok with that, that's just how He made me.. In loving myself and honoring myself, I find it easier to have these feelings and aspirations in how I feel for Him.

Getting ready to go back to court for Grace again soon...

Picking up a new client who I meet this coming tuesday at 5:30 which I'm very excited about.. really nice girl named Chrissy.. she loves God and I have to admit she has really sparked my interest though we've only had one good somewhat long talk on facebook, lol..

Workouts are going great.. just about what I would call "in shape." If I can totally avoid McDonalds fish sandwichs this week in times of weakness, I may get "there" next week.. abs are coming back very, VERY soon.

Excited about competing in State Championships this fall.. I'm going to win. I've got it in me, I'm motivated... I"ve been busting my ass, and I have the best prep coach around.. better than Rion was even... and this time, I'm not partying while getting ready. How in the world did I take 4th place in State middleweight division when eating 20 hits of x every other weekend and doing some speed here and there? That's crazy.

I'm out. peace.

rejection...

2010-03-07T11:12:00.001-08:00

Ok so this is a new girl I began dating since the last blog...

I'll keep this short, just have to get it out somewhere and I feel like I can't talk to anyone.. I've had enough problems, people are sick of even knowing about them at this point I'm sure.

New girl, different from the last blog. And no, we never slept together..

So I began dating a new girl about a week ago. First night we end up in bed.. and I stopped myself and told her no.. I couldn't do it.. she got so angry.. asked me why. I told her it was too fast and I want to respect her and myself.. more conversation came after that, but it doesn't matter what was said.

Two more times this week she tried and I said no.. I wanted to, I really did.. I just couldn't do it.. it wasn't right. I wanted to show her a respect that I don't think she's used to.. I wanted to respect myself for once.. and to try to follow His plan for me.. for once.. I wanted to sooo bad, I just couldn't.

Today she sent me a text and told me she can't date me anymore, that I've denied her three times, and that I'm a waste of her time.

Talk about pain.. this fucking hurts. Bad. I'd rather be inside of her, and feel loved and sinful, than feel this empty and rejected right now. This hurts.. bad.

I wonder what it would be like to not be attractive at all.. I sometimes wish I wasn't.. maybe I could find someone who likes me for me then.. but then again, maybe I'd never find anyone and always be alone. I don't know.. I'm so confused.

I could literally cry myself to sleep right now. Have to grab coffee with a friend though and then meet a friend with whom I'm going to small group tonight.. time to pull it together, put my smile back on, pull my head up, and be mr confident again.

Talk about broken.. wow... I think I'm going to call her and tell her I'll sleep with her if she'll give me another chance.

It's not about me...

2010-02-11T22:18:00.000-08:00

Well...

So I've an interest. I won't put the l word before the word interest, as that would be inappropriate, I think.

Let's start by saying that I feel as if this woman is the best friend I have. I trust her completely.. and when I say completely, I do not mean that lightly.

I'll not go into much detail in this writing, but I what I will say is this..

What is so different this time... in this interest... this is what is different. It's not about me, it's about her. This is not her "time." And if I do truly care, then the best way I can love her in action is to be a friend.. there no matter what, and to not act on my any feelings I have above and beyond our friendship.

You see, in my mind - I automatically equate that to the possibility of a missed opportunity with her.. not that I am so full of myself to think she would want a relationship with me.. I do know that if she did, now is not the right time.. at least not the right time for more than a friendship.. so how long would I wait? A month? A year? How do I gauge that? I don't want to find that me caring for her means I ultimately lose her one day to someone else because I didn't pursue.. I guess if I really, really want to love her in action.. I just sit back, trust God, put my wants aside, and be exactly what she needs right now.. which is simply a friend.

It's not about me.. it's about her.. and what a change.. so odd, because I'm just not like that. Well, this time I am.

Is wasting time a sin FOR ME?

2010-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

From what I understand to sin means to "miss the mark."

If this is the case...

I'm sure there are many good examples but right now I'll just use reality tv (used to spend a lot of time watching, but not now) and facebook.

Reality tv a sin? Really? Yeah, that sounds wayyyyyyy too extreme of an idea for me. Truth is though, I think that spending time doing nothing but watching OTHER people engage in their lives is a waste of the time He gave us here, completely pointless, and definitely is missing the mark. Sinful does sound a little extreme, but if sin means missing the mark then it must be exactly that.

Ok facebook.. I'm hooked, and if you're reading this blog you probably know me and know I'm constantly on it.. and I mean constantly. I can easily justify it and do actally have some good reasons to check it throughout the day, but the amount of time I spend on it is ridiculous.. and much of it is being updated on how other people are engaging in their lives (Twitter is supposed to be more ridiculous from what I've heard.) . Isn't that stupid? Really? Spending hours a day in research of what OTHER people are doing. That, my friends, is missing the mark to me. Sin? For me I think it is... and I'm just realizing it.

I guess most things one would think, done in moderation, are ok.. reality television isn't debatable with me, but facebook is.. maybe just because I like it so much. Something I need to be aware of in the coming days.

nothing deep, just a thought.

I'm out.

J

How things change so quickly!

2010-01-22T03:21:00.000-08:00

Wow this has been a crazy past month... I've gone from a state where I felt like I had honestly given up on things and was completely isolated to a place where I am SO excited to see what God has in store for me today, SO excited for all the opportunities to interact with people today, and SO excited to find some way to love on someone today.. thank God He's helping me see people around me that need it so much, and has put me in a place once again where I'm able to love on them and build them up.

From here until Sunday evening is very busy, and I anticipate next week be quite busy as well. Remember, I went from doing nothing and rolling around in my depression.. pulling some under my head and the rest over my body to keep warm lol... right back to a packed schedule as usual. That, is a miracle. Schedule for the weekend starting.. now --

finish blog
cook breakfast
finish laundry
stop by Terry's gym in hopes to get items I left/iphone
stop by Mikes office
Kenwood high noon aa meeting
Crossroads
Work out with Rachel at 3pm at Lifetime
Dinner with friend

saturday -
train Chuck for 1st session
possible fitness consultation in lebanon
clean out car
movie / hang with andrew

sunday -
service at 8:30am
volunteer meeting at Crossroads at 10:00am
movie / hang with katie from 11am until 3pm
pick up charlie
dinner with smallgroup at 5pm
lead group at 6pm until 9 or 10pm

God really is working in so many ways in my life, and one of them is making me very busy.. and I'm just not good when I'm not busy... I hate being unproductive. Another way He is working in my life right now is giving me an opportunity to minister to the people around me by simply loving on them.. showing them God's love without preaching at them or trying to convince them of things.. just simply loving on them by showing I care however I can.. a little consideration and a smile goes a long way.

God,

I'm so excited about coming back towards you... I thank you for what was said when Charity and I talked.. and prayed... and that our words were not only heard but answered. I don't konw how much longer I could have felt alone, the way that I did. You are the great healer God, and I doubted you on that 13 months ago.. I'm sorry I questioned you, but you know that's in our nature. I had so much pain just a month ago and I "feel" complete and whole right now, ready to put you once again in the center of everything I do and excited to once again continuing what I do... the calling you've given me.. just to love people, by action. Help me to watch my mouth today as Ephesians 4:29 is my focus right now, and I also pray that you help me with the lesson plan tonight.... it's going to be a long one. Love ya dad.

J

Unconditional love

2010-01-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

Unconditional love.. I still don't completely understand it yet, but I do a little bit better each day.. most days at least.

My last blog I wrote about the woman who carried me for nine months and then left me a broken mess with loads of issues which will probably never, ever go away, after the first sixteen years of what I consider torture. She could have spent half her life in jail for neglect and extreme emotional abuse.. and at times I wish she would. She was and always has been very conditional.. and as you may have read, recently changed her phone number and made it unlisted, again, so I could not contact her. Hence the extreme effort it takes for me to understand unconditional love, and to believe in it, consistently.

I've had a very rough time, much self induced, in the past months. I already had many issues to deal with from past mistakes, and find now that I only dug the hole deeper that I'm trying to climb out of. It seems it will take a lifetime, but I know this is not true. Today, with MUCH ahead of me to deal with, I am stress free. Not two days ago, maybe not two days from now.. but I feel stress free today, and that is a result of God's love and how He has shown it through friends, who I consider my real family, who love me -- unconditionally.

I love my friends, I really do -- though I do not know how to love them the way they love me, I hope someday I do. Love is an action I believe, not a feeling. I say this because the bible says to love our enemies, and if it was speaking of love being a feeling, that would just not be possible for us. My friends have loved me by speaking truth to me in a non-judgemental manner. My friends have loved me by telling me that they have missed me. My friends loved me by sharing with me financially so that my car now once again runs as well as another friend who fixed it for free as I could not afford that, and I can make it to the new and fantastic job that God has supplied me with. Two friends of mine, one from highschool, have shown me love by letting me stay with them in the midst of some hard times. One friend whom I hadn't seen in nearly 22 years has loved me in the past week by reconnecting with me over drinks and food at Frickers, and let me run my trap without interruption. One friend I have not seen in 16 years has shown me love by being intentional about re-establishing lines of communication with me and been there to let me share as he shares with me.. our problems and pain. My friends have loved me by not helping me when they thought the help may hurt me. My friends have loved me by putting me in a position to create the lesson for our smallgroup next week, reminding me that though I don't think highly of myself right now -- I am qualified, because I belong to Him. One friend loved me just yesterday by driving an hour to pick me up for a smallgroup which I was supposed to pick her up for (until my car broke down), and another loved me by driving me an hour home even though she didn't attend group nor had any plans with me. A friend at group last night showed me some love by a simple short look, letting me know that they could the pain in what I was talking about. All of these things are equal, not one more any greater or less than the other. Most of these people have seen me at my best and known of me being at my worst, and continue to be there for me, unconditionally. None of these people will ever change their phone number or on me like the woman who carried me, but rather love me in whatever action they feel is best at that point in time.. and I believe this.. I believe they are there for me no matter what, and I hope more than anything I can be this for them.

God,

Thank you for my friends. Thank you for the way you've shown me in so many different ways what unconditional love looks like. Thank you for showing me what it is not. Thank you for lifting my burdens recently from my shoulders when you knew I could not carry them anymore. Thank you for pulling me back out of the pit, sitting me on solid ground. Thank you for the food I ate today and for the days ahead in which I pray that I learn not only to love you, but to love those around me, more.

J

The color is coming back.

2010-01-14T19:45:00.000-08:00

After Awaited in 2008, I felt like the blinds dropped, it got dark, and I could hear God no more.. I have harbored resentment which I still don't know that I've completely let go of - but I prayed with a friend some days back over facebook chat.

This whole year I felt alone.. completely alone, again. After we prayed, I felt like the blinds opened a little.. some color began to come back in, and I could begin to hear him.. again. I wondered if I ever would. I'm catching myself now.. and aware of Him now.. just a little bit, but a lot more than I have for awhile.. and it's coming again, without such an effort. This is good.

I once again realize I still have all kinds of things to work though, and realize there are things I'll fight against the rest of my life. I realize that there are things I'll have to forgive people for, the smae things, maybe every day.. I don't know how that'll work, but I guess each morning is new - but God is with me ready to carry those burdens if not with me, for me.

Things are looking up, and I'm once again, for the first time - in a long time - beginning to get excited.. not necessarily about the future, but about His Kingdom, and my place in it.

Peace.

Just an egg donor...

2010-01-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ok it's been a while since I've posted... and I haven't been doing too great to be honest..

1 serving victim of circumstance
1 serving bad choices
followed down with a lot of diet coke..

that's what I've had to eat for the past few months...

should have never relocated to Dayton for a woman, that was my first mistake. Well, that sounds harsh.. I need to rephrase that.

I put a woman 1st and God on the back burner.. things were going well in Cincinnati for the most part.. and I was very close in my walk with God.. and community, and the outreach work that I am drawn to.. I left it all to move to Dayton in hopes a relationship would work which was based on nothing but.. well it didn't have God as the foundation, let's just say that.

Things just went downhill.

Months later, I'm less than a week from going back, after much depression and bad choices. I'm feeling good right now though, feel positive.. and after crying out to God for the first time in a long time, I feel somewhat put back together.. in a way.

So last night, I call my mother.... to make a very long story which doesn't need told, very short.. it comes down to this. After all her "attempted" stabs, which I could say a LOT about (many failed attempts to make some kind of point)... the end result was her telling me once again, that she is changing her phone number AGAIN and never to call her again.

Gosh, really? "Big suprise! Big suprise! That's an incredib.. I think I'm gonna have a heart attack and die from that suprise!" (I believe those were the words of the parrot in Aladdin lol!) If she has taught me anything, it's what unconditional love is NOT. I've made my fair share of mistakes and have a lot of repairs to make in regards to relationships, but who could tell their kid never to call them again and change their phone number on them?

How could someone with a history of abandoning me REPEATEDLY... in my childhood.. for days, weeks, or even months at a time.. even leaving me with one boyfriend she hated while she was staying with a barfly on the other side of town... getting myself up for school, feeding myself, putting myself to bed, days on end alone... someone who always put her comfort ahead of mine, right up until she left at 16 for the last time.. left me once again with one man while she pursued another... who's house, even as a child not out of school, I wasn't welcome at.. who has changed her phone number various times to PREVENT her child from contacting her.. how could she tell me what I should be doing with my life?

A mother who fed me xanax and ambien upon request as if they were skittles, up until only a year or two ago.... Tell me I have no business going to Bar Louie one night in a year? Really?

A mother who still eats xanax and ambien like skittles...

What did Eminem say in that song.. I think it went like this "Shit, where the fuck you think I picked up the habit? All I had to do was go in the bedroom and lift up the mattress."

Excuse my language.. but I can really connect with those lyrics. I remember getting her xanax for her at times when I was a kid.. as she downed it with her kahula and cream... and that turned into her giving them to me... not that xanax was my problem, but drugs most definitely have posted an obstacle in my life which I've had a hard time overcoming, admittedly. I grew up watching her do drugs.. I guess if it was a script or if you could buy if from the liquor store she didn't consider it a drug, lol.

"just give him some quarters so we can drink our beer here at the bar in peace, there are video games at Hills"... never heard her say it, but they did it plenty of times.. she probably said it.

I remember her talking about her childhood in horror.. as a kid.. I wasn't capable of hearing about and dealing with her problems as a kid... those never should have been put on me... they weren't mine to deal with.

A Kelly Clarkson song which I must admit I connect with.. these lyrics hit me pretty hard.
"Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me. Because of you I am afraid. I watched you die, I heard you cry, every night in your sleep. I was so young, you should have known better than not to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain. Because of you I tried my hardest to forget everything. Because of you, I don't know how to let anyone else in. "

Hate to bring an eminem and kelly clarkson song into it, but dang those lyrics hit me..

I feel like there is something in me.. this 16+ year memory, which is over HALF of my life, which is a effin nightmare... that's a lot of nightmare.. and it just never really goes away.

You, mom, in your horrible childhood, at least saw grandma and grandpa go to work and come home on a daily basis.. you at least had modeled for you some kind of consistency.. you saw them work, saw them pay the bills.. that much at least.

You talk about what I should be doing? Hmmm.. I watched you move from under one rooftop to the next, none of them yours. I watched you eat xanax, get so wasted you couldn't speak clearly enough to make out a word you were saying, stab men with forks or chase them with frying pans, or get beat yourself. I, with John as my witness, watched you run into my room, when I had nothing to do with any of it, and say "This is all your fault you son of a bitch!" and run out the door, leaving me... with him. I got your tissues.. begged you not to leave again so many times.. slept through class and failed in school because I couldn't keep awake as a result of the late night screaming and arguments and drama... this is what I had modeled for me... You modeled how to be crazy, and I try every minute of every day NOT to be.. and believe me, it's an effort. Anything I have learned.. any social skills I have, work skills, or anything.. isn't because you taught me ANY of it.. it's only because I had to try tremendously hard to acquire these things...

Don't tell me where I should be mom or what I should do... sure I've gone short time without work... but don't tell me I expect too much.. if I do, it's not your business. I've EARNED the right to make good money and I've worked HARD for 12 years to become GREAT at what I do, no thanks to you. Don't give me advice, as your opinion on ANYTHING is not welcome here.

I'd have been better if you gave me up for adoption. And don't say it all was in the past.. go eat a xanax, and an ambien or two.. just to forget the fact that just last night, once again, you told me you were changing your phone number and never to contact you again.. popping pills and abandoning your kid.. you're a professional at those things.. nothing has changed. None of it is in the past.. it's all present day.. you just helped me realize that.

I've heard the term "he was just a sperm donor" at times... speaking of fathers like mine.. damn I pray I continue to grow and get my life straight soon so that can't be said about me much longer... but I've never heard a deadbeat mom be labeled as "just an egg donor.." well, that, mother, is what you were. You messed up by haphazardly attempting to take on the role as a mother for moments which were few and far between. Should have said bye at the hospital, don't you agree?

Sorry, not all blogs can be positive. I'm just being real.

Oh yeah one more thing I have to throw in - "you didn't tell anyone about me at school today, did you?" I heard that a lot as a kid growing up.

I wish I had told "the dragon lady." The "dragon lady" was a lady that lived in our building downstairs when mom was gone 24/7.. I think I was about 11 or so and I was raising myself, mom was nowhere to be found. The "dragon lady" is what mom called this woman.. this terrible woman who was concerned about me.. who I believe, if my memory serves correct, had called childrens services... oh what a horrible woman she was - says mom. God forbid anyone ever put me FIRST. You sure as hell never did.

Yeah mom, it's in my blog. I'm allowed to speak freely now, and don't have to keep your secrets... I can open up when and where and to whom I want.. ahh, it's so theraputic. Live with it. I do. Every day, thanks to you.

I will adore you

2009-08-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

I went to Vineyard Westside this evening to hear a dear friend give her first message. She was great, the church itself is great... one thing hit me right in the beginning which took me away for most of the service though.

The second song.. these words.. I've sang them a hundred times in my youth..

With all creation I sing,
Praise to the King of Kings,
You are my everything,
and I will, adore you

What does it mean for me to adore Jesus, my friend, my father, my creator, my savior.. what does that mean, what does that look like for me?

I really have no idea. That's the problem.

I just broke down tonight in tears as those words kept surging through my head.

My prayer life is lacking. I spend less and less time in the word lately. My community.. well.. the level at which I participate in community.. it sucks, really.

God has blessed me over and over, and it has been completely evident by many who have seen all that I've gone through or rather put myself through over the past few years that miracles do happen, and I've experienced more than a handful.

As I look at my day, past week, or two actually... here's what I see. I'm pissing all over my blessings. Plain and simple. I've got a problem that needs addressed... a sin problem, a riding the fence problem, a luke warm problem, a control problem...

If you're reading this and you don't like my terminology, please refer back to my first post. If you don't like it, don't read it. I don't care.

I'm pissing on my blessings.. I'm telling God through my actions that I just don't care as much as I say and act like I do. I'm good at talking the talk and to say that I half ass the walk would give my efforts too much credit.

Now don't get me wrong, I do believe in grace and forgiveness, and I embrace them.. but they don't provide an excuse for the way I live my life.

Something has to give, and I mean now.

God... I'm so sorry.

Things start fresh this moment... I'm forgiven.. let's try this again God... Pick me up, my legs aren't feeling too solid right now.. I'm a bit wobbly.. easily influenced... easily tempted..

Wow I feel like you're right here with me tonight.. and I need that.. We'll revert back to calling you Dad for tonight, because that's how I see you at the moment.

Dad... please, please turn my heart towards you this week. Convict me. Make me aware. Surround me with people who will walk the right way with me, or show me where they are so I can find them.. and find You in them...

I love you.

It's been a while, lots has happened...

2009-08-15T09:36:00.000-07:00

Ok it's been a minute since I wrote in here so I guess I have a little catching up to do. I should have kept, so I'll just give the big picture.

Well big things just keep on happening and it's all God.. so huge, so evident, so awesome, so God.

I re-connected with my mom recently, and we spent a day together. We went down to City Gospel Mission together and it was just awesome. Such a blessing. We got along great, are still both a bit hard headed, and I still think I'm right most of the time. I'm learning acceptance.. I thnk we both are to some degree, though I do believe she should do things MY way lol. My perception of life is correct, yes? Well, maybe.. maybe not.. maybe a little bit of both.

City Gospel Mission blesses ME so much each week. I continue to get gratitude, to remember where I came from, how much worse it could have been, how far God has brought me, as I also get to see God through the people there that we serve... I may have become wealthier when it comes to material possesions and what not recently... but I still see people there that have true smiles and make me feel that maybe I'm missing the bigger picture when I get wrapped up with what shoes I want to buy next or get too into my iphone... I need to stop, step back, and just appreciate the people around me, the community I have, the love I get to experience week in and week out.. my job, my friends, the relationship which is growing with my mom, what God has for me in the days, weeks, and months ahead... there are a lot of things which I already take for granted.. and it wasn't that long ago that I had none of these things.. reality check Jason.

My cousin is on his way down to see me as we speak. We haven't spoken in like two years.. long story there that woud not be beneficial to get into, but yes it's anothe miracle. I'm so excited to see him. I love my cuzzo.

My job.. love it. Not making much money AT ALL, but that's ok. I'm happy. I'm not running the show for once, I have a boss that I truly ahve to submit to and just do what he says... there is freedom in that, SOMEHOW. It's great.. love the clients, my co-workers, boss, everything.. it's just great.

Getting ready to start in a new smallgroup on Sunday evenings that I'm super excited about.. I'll get back more on that later.

Just got out of Prospect House.. a treatment facility which I had to go through because of a horrible choice I made like three years ago... I got out WAY early. They told me this past monday to pack my stuff and be out Tuesday morning.. totally unexpected. Life is good. I go to court next Thursday and it looks as if all probation/charges will be terminated. Never have to go to jail again, never have hand-cuffs on again, never call a probation officer again or piss in a cup again.. never need to use a drug, ever, ever again. New chance, fresh start.. eyes wide open.

Peace.

City Gospel Mission

2009-07-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

Ok let me rewind to about four years back or so...

There was this girl that I really wanted to date named Melissa. She asked me one day if I would like to come serve food to the homeless downtown on that friday night. I thought she was kidding at first, but she wasn't. I proceeded to ask her how much we got paid, then she laughed. I thought to myself, "serve food to homeless people for free? This must be a joke. No way. Absolutely no way. Time is money and I'm not spending my friday night doing that of all things."

Ok let's go to the weekend of March 9th or maybe March 16th of 2008. I walked in my church for one of the first couple weekends there and asked a woman named Jamie who seemed at home there, very comfortable on a couch reading a book, how to get connected.. the place seemed so big that I figured it would be impossible to get connected with it as I was from a church of roughly 300 people when I was younger. She said to volunteer, and I did just that.

It's about 17 months since then that I write this. Wow, what an experience. Volunteering is just so awesome, and it's me that gets blessed more than anyone else. I've been blessed with some really fun opportunities to volunteer and it's just a huge blessing every single time. Now, I'm doing City Gospel Mission on friday evenings.

I'm not sure what all they do at City Gospel Mission but I can tell you what it did for me the first weekend in.. I had the opportunity to see where I could be if I continued in my substance abuse.. I could be homeless, living in a shelter - or much worse, on the street or in the park. I could be losing my health, wondering where my next meal will come from, worrying about my saftey, looking for my next pill or drink or hit... no hope in sight.

Some of these people still are smiling though, and I can't help but all the smiles can't be fake. I can't imagine smiling in a position like that, but some of them do. I think what I see is God in them... yeah, I'm quite sure of it. They have nothing, but He's still with them, carrying them, and somehow - they know it.. some of them do. What a blessing it is... how it causes me to realize how blessed I am.

As I think about experiences like this it makes me feel (for a moment) like.. forget about the clothes, car, all those material things. I just want more of you God... I love you so much Jesus.

Grace in action..

2009-07-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

Grace, isn't it a wonderful thing?

I've begun a process of apologies lately.. I have a list, kind of like the Earl guy on the t.v. show (and no that's not where the idea came from lol.)

Talk about the weight on my shoulders getting lighter and lighter..

I can't get into them here, but I will say this. The process is just amazing. The people I most dreaded going to are the ones who have shown me the most grace. One was a previous employer. I had a better chance getting a job working for NASA designing satellites than I did working for him again.. well not only was I forgiven, but given a job back. Grace, in action.

Made an amends this previous weekend to a high school girlfriend.. from like 14 years ago.. had to confess some things I did.. though it confused her why after all this time it mattered, the apology was accepted and I felt much better.

Also this previous weekend, I made amends with two great friends whom I went through a lot with.... that was a complicated one and I hadn't seen them in a few years. Apologies accepted, and I felt it. I felt it in my heart and the weight on my shoulders got a little lighter once again.

God is just so awesome.

Still a struggle..

2009-07-22T14:15:00.000-07:00

and I just don't really know why. I'm totally comforted on one hand.. honestly, I get a lot of comfort knowing for a fact, without a doubt, that she's with God right now. That's so awesome. Maybe that's why I'm so moved... maybe it's not a struggle but everything always has been or I've made everything a struggle.. I'm flipping through songs on my iphone today and came across We Three Kings.. my eyes still tear up and my stomach turns in knots. One minute I picutre it all over in my head, seeing her fall -- but then I consider the fact that I really don't know anything.. I was so mad at God for not stopping it, but maybe He did. Maybe she didn't hit the ground. Maybe, just maybe, she started ascending before her body ever touched the floor. He could have done that. He already knew she wouuldn't make it through the night, and I can't believe He would have let her go through any pain.

Spiritual maturity..

2009-07-03T03:01:00.000-07:00

We had a series last year at my church which got in depth about relationships.. and what kind we needed to grow. A few notes..

I need friends who -

1. Love God
2. Have my best interest at heart
3. Have a history of making good choices

to help me grow in many ways.. (proverbs 27:17)

Last year I made a promise to submit to the authority of some people whom I have a lot of respect for and trust, and now I realize that it's not as easy as I thought.

I've encountered a situation that I wasn't ready for nor am I totally comfortable with, but I guess growth isn't always comfortable. These people whom I spoke of that I respect and trust have strongly encouraged me to make some changes in my life that I don't necessarily understand, agree with, nor am I comfortable with. I trust them thoughm, as hard as it is. I wouldn't have sought these people out if I had done such a great job at managing my life before... so though I have a hard time with accepting these changes, I realize that I made this commitment last year and I need to stick to it, even when it's not comfortable. If people truly love me, they're not always going to tell me what I want to hear.

Now about spiritual maturity - something I heard recently which makes sense to me now.

Spiritual maturity is not necessarily gained by age or experience, but rather by following through with commitments.

This is going to be a hard one to follow through on, but I'm confident that the harder it is for me, the more beauty and growth lies on the other side of it.

TO: GOD

2009-07-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

Dad,

I'm in the middle of my workday now... taking a break at Crossroads grabbing a cup of coffee. As I look at my day, I'm just amazed that I am where I am today. This is all because of you. I'm just amazed with the way things are going for me... the way I'm changing - from the inside out. I feel forgiven today. I feel like I know how to love others today. I have hope today. I am encouraged today. I am happy today. I love my job today. I am looking forward to tommorow, today.

I think it's today that I need to ask for your help. Is this where I messed up last time? I think when things get good is when I stop leaning on you.. so I'm asking you to help me remember I need to do things different this time. Now that things are getting good, I need to lean on you more - not less.

Help me to be self aware.

Help me to see the sin in my life, so I can continually weed it out.

Help me to see the people I come in contact with through your eyes, not mine.

Help me to stay sober.

Help me to be a good dad.

Help me to be a good son.

Help me to be a good friend.

Help me to become a man a woman wants as a husband.

Help me to be a good employee.

Help me to be a good servant of You.

Help me to have patience and tolerance.

Help me to love more.

Help me to be forgiving.

Help me to be less selfish and self centered.

Help me to find balance.

Help me to remember that I need You to be the center of everything.

I love you Dad.

Your son,

J

Fathers Day 2009

2009-06-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Fathers day had a very rough start for me... from both ends.

Thank God for community. Thank God for my family at Crossroads. I'd be a mess today if God hadn't put these people in my life to hold me up at rough times like this.

Thank God.

How are you today?

2009-06-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

I went to the community center to exercise a few days ago and as I was leaving I passed a woman in the hallway with her kids. I asked her how her how she was doing, and her answer suprised me.

"Blessed" she said, followed with a genuine smile.

I stopped for a moment and had to digest her response.

I smiled and thought for a moment, then asked her if I was correct in assuming that she is a Christ follower. She said that she was.. of course.

After I left, I began to think about what she said, and asked myself why I don't answer with a similar response when asked... I never, ever say blessed. It's always good, or fine, or great... never blessed.

I am blessed, EXTREMELY blessed.. but apparently I don't see it enough.. apparently I don't have as much gratitude as I should, or I would answer with a response such as she did...

Maybe I'm just used to lying and saying good.. I'm not always good. I have a lot of good days, and usually feel good.. but I have some days that aren't so great either. I have some days that really just suck to be honest... why don't I say it?

I guess the problem with me is a little bit of both. I have a lot of work to do on me, a lot... I need to get better at being honest in the way of letting people who really care know how I am feeling, and not feeling the need to act like everything is great all the time, because it's not. Just as importantly, I need to write myself yet another gratitude list.. right now... because I've got some serious issues inside myself if I have to sit back and really think about how I'm blessed.

I'm out.

Notes on paying the cost..

2009-06-07T10:10:00.000-07:00

Some notes from today's message...

Revolutions go against the grain so there is always opposition.

Once you choose to lead, you'll be under huge pressure to reconsider your choice to comprimise, to dumb it down or give up.

A revolutionary life costs.

Someone will not like you or how you live - you may lose friends.

People want you to go with the flow.

When we follow Him, there will be a price!

Anything worth having comes at a cost.

*** if we aren't experiencing a cost, we are NOT following Jesus, but rather doing religion.

When people lie/persecute us, it's part of the cost.

Police called on me?

2009-06-03T14:24:00.000-07:00

Ok yesterday was just great...

I have felt as if I've been dealing with quite a bit of persecution for being a Christian where I live at recently.. so I was reading Matthew 5:10-12 which reads - "Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

All of these things are true.. I have been persecuted because of righteousness as I have chosen not to involve myself with some activities and talk with people which I felt was against what God wants for me... I have been insulted openly, and have been lied about. After reading this, I was glad. What happened after I read this was truly amazing..

Ok so I see this old woman sitting in the lobby, and since no one else was around I go and sit down next to her after asking if I could. She said it was ok, so I proceeded to start conversation with her. She had a head injury as well as a back injury. I asked her if I could pray for her and she said she'd love me to.. well I began to pray and in the middle of our talk with God someone on staff at the hospital came out and asked me what I was there for. I said that I was there waiting on a friend and she said ok and walked away. Right as we ended our prayer, two police officers came in and took me out of the building. They asked me why I was there, what I was doing, and said that the hospital staff called them because I was apparently bothering the lady I was praying for. I explained the situation and they did not believe me, so they ran my information and shortly after, they reluctantly let me go. I must admit I was a bit frustrated at first, but only moments later I remembered what I was reading in Matthew and I began to smile.

Just a few years back a run in with the police was not a good thing.. today it still isn't, but at least I didn't do anything wrong - and what a thing to have the police called on me for.. prayer in public.

- I'm out!

Ouch

2009-05-30T10:01:00.001-07:00

I have nothing exciting to say on this post, but rather am here to throw a pity party for myself and ask for prayer at the same time.

I either have pulled or have slightly torn my quadricp this morning while doing sprints about about 5:50am. I'm thirty two and think I'm 21 still... apparently. I worked my legs very hard yesterday, and decided that doing sprints before 6am would be a good way to start my day. I didn't warm up, didn't stretch, should have not done this twelve hours after working my legs, and should have taken my age into consideration as I am 32 now. I still feel like I'm 21, but my quad is telling me different today.

I would have continued with the tear if I had been able to as my trainee is 24 and he was fine, but then again he didn't work legs with me yesterday. What a blow it was to my ego to watch him continue with the sprints as I sat on the curb and pushed him on, acting as if my pride did not take a hook punch with Mike Tyson strength.

Next time I will not do this after leg day, nor will I do it before six am.. I will also warm up and I will not only do my sprints with this 24 year old, but I will beat him badly.

Yes, I am too competitive... way too competitive. At least I'm honest..

Please pray for healing in my quad. I've got one week to be ready. :-) It's just not going to look good if I'm still down a week from now..

To whom it may concern

2009-05-30T08:52:00.000-07:00

To whom it may concern,

I'll begin with saying that yes, I may be pointing a finger as I write this - but I'm not judging, only making my best attempt at correcting you by bringing up your awareness in hopes that you might walk on the narrow path which I am trying to follow, rather than seeing you with only one foot on it. As I point my finger at you, with love, I realize that there are three fingers pointing back at me. I hope to bring my awareness regarding my own walk as I write this, as I still have a much progress to make and will never "arrive," but will rather be intentional about making this journey rather than becoming complacent. (rev 3:16)

You love God. This I will not debate. I believe you have good intentions, and I believe that you believe in Him - though I write this to spark a though process which would cause you to evaluate if you love Him in --actions-- as well as if you know that He loves you.

Forgive me if I skip around a bit in this letter to you, I have much on my mind and am having a hard time articulating my words or order of my thoughts properly this morning.

Romans 2:13 says "For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous."

We are all judgemental, especially myself, though I improve in this every day with God's help. I hope others, besides you, feel this letter is for them, so I will not be specific about a situation but I will say that I find you to be judgemental. You are so forgiving and non-judgemental when it comes to family, especially myself, and I thank God for that - though I must point out how judgemental you appear to be regarding the people whom you are not close to.

I began to look up scripture on judgement, but I feel that is not needed. You can find it, and plenty of it. The word of God is not new to you, but regretfully I believe you have been taught either by pastors or television evangelists whom have perverted the word that judgement is love or that it is our place to judge. I anticipate that you are already thinking of the fact that we will even judge the angels, but in regards to that verse AND the surrounding verses, that is NOT today or while in our physical bodies. We have no right to judge people, that's God's job.. but how dare we judge in light of the fact that we're not even following His GREATEST commandment! Judging someone for their language, sexual preference or action upon that, greed, gluttony.. whatever it may be... that's a prime of example of us trying to remove the speck from someones eyes when we have a PLANK (not following God's GREATEST command in FULL) in our own.

Going back to Romans 2:13 - it says that those who obey the law whom will be declared righteous. I commend your honest pursuit for Christ. I am thankful that you have forgiven me and still love me as we have come through some rough years. I am grateful for your help, and grateful that you shared Christ with me the best way you could a long time ago. Today is a new day though, I encourage you to pay attention to God's command to love, because to be quite honest I feel you're really missing out on the life God has for you - and it breaks my heart.

God commands us to love one another, and this extends way beyond the doors of our homes, extends past our family, and past our co-workers. I know you don't believe that is enough, as you've stated it to me recently. This life is short, you know this as well as I do. I know you have a life, a home, a job, and bills. These things you will always have, God willing. It's time to get out and love people. It's time to show --unconditional-- love to people who don't know Christ. Did Jesus show judgement towards the non-believers? If I remember correctly, He asked God to forgive the very ones whom beat and killed Him.

It's time to pull your sleeves up and get your elbows dirty. God has commanded us to love, and I never found ANY true happiness in my life until I was able to do this. As you know, I have been blessed by a community whom has loved and embraced me through the worst of times - and now I know how to love, and to love in my actions. I am truly grateful for my life, for what Jesus did for me on the cross, for my salvation and many other things -- so I show it. I show it by pursuing not only God, but people.. I show it by pursing the lost. I run after them, every day. I love on them. How could I not? If I truly, truly know God's love.. how would it be possible for me to not share it?

I don't know what serving God looks like for you, but I know you won't find true happiness until you do. I want you to be happy - I love you. Maybe it's putting stamps on envelopes for a nearby church community that pursues people, maybe it's answering a phone for them on an off day. Maybe it's mowing a neighbors lawn whom may even be perfectly capable, or bringing a neighbor you don't like some cookies. Maybe it's joining a womens small group or community group which focuses on some of the same struggles that you face so that you may share and build up others as you are built up (proverbs 27:17). Maybe serving for you consists of handing out water bottles or cans of coke on the Saturday outreach your local church does, telling people that "I'm just doing this to show you God's love in a practical way." Maybe it's paying for the car behind you at McDonalds and asking the cashier to give them a note on which you've written "Jesus loves you!" Maybe it looks like becoming a "big sister" so that you can spend some time with and build into a little girl who doesn't have much of a family, a little girl who's not pulling good grades because of the drama at home and is scared to bring that report card home after what her father said he might do -- SO THAT YOU CAN LOVE HER WHEN NO ONE ELSE WILL. I don't know what serving God looks like for you, but I encourage you to be intentional, today, about finding out. Don't wait for some revelation. Don't wait for a great suggestion, a dream, or a hunch. Pick something, get out of your comfort zone, obey God. Believing isn't enough. Loving me isn't enough. Reading your word is not enough. Please, please.. don't miss out on this blessing. You have the opportunity to WORK for Jesus.. to do His work.

Are you excited about working for your company, for your boss? You sure seem excited when I am blessed with a good job or good opportunity, and that makes me feel good.. but really.. think about it, really think about it.. the man.. God.. in human flesh.. who came down over 2,000 years ago, and died for our sins.. yeah that guy. The one who arose from the dead... are you grasping the reality of Him beyond the ink on the pages? He's real. He wants your help, and actually He commands it if you are seeking Him. Why, or how, could you possibly keep saying no? What will it take? Does He need to come down and speak to you directly? How can you possibly go another day without devoting yourself to building into the very Kingdom that offers you eternal life with Him?

It's time to get out, and get out, and do something. Not out of fear, but out of obedience and with a cheerful heart. I want this for you. I want you to experience what I'm experiencing. I want you to live the life He's given us to the fullest. We are not to sit around watching the clock and wait for heaven.. God created this - stop taking it for granted.

I love you. Don't be mad. God has been pushing me to write this.

- J

Nothing important...

2009-05-28T14:40:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything specific or important to write about today, so I will just put a few thoughts down or whatever comes to me so maybe I can read this on a bad day to remind me that life is really good!

This week has been good thus far, and I anticipate it will stay as such! Let me begin with this previous Sunday... roughly 8-9 people came with me to Crossroads, most of which have never been there before, and the ones whom had were only there for their second week. What's even more amazing, a couple of them do or did not even believe in God walking in the door. No, they didn't necessarily walk out professing to believe, but they did clearly let me know that they really liked it, it was not what they expected, and they want to come back this week. That's exciting to me.. more exciting than anything.

I attended a fantastic meeting on Tuesday evening and gratitude was the topic of discussion. I know that I posted a gratitude list recently, but I still feel compelled to post some of the things that I shared and what my ideas are on gratitude at this point in time.

In no particular order..

and yes, it's ok to laugh a little bit!

Ok I'm extremely grateful that my hair is thinning out more and more each year.. this means that I don't have to spend so much money on those expensive fusion razor blades I buy... any time I have the opportunity to save some loot I'm a happy camper!

I'm grateful for sushi.. yep. Love it..

I'm grateful for CROCS.. yes, I discovered them recently, and I have a hard time wearing anything else anymore. Most comfortable shoes in the world, yup... totally grateful for them.

I'm grateful that I'm 32 years old and I still feel like and am in the shape of a 18 year old. I don't feel like I'm going backwards now that I'm in my thirties, I feel like I'm actually still getting myself even more fit each year.

I'm grateful I don't have back problems when I squat anymore... for years, my back was seizing up on me when I did squats which was a real bummer since that's my favorite exercise. Thank God for taking care of that one. :-)

I'm grateful I can sleep without meds or drugs now. Weather it be a beer, a joint, an ambien, a valium, nyquill, ghb, xanax, something.. I always needed something to sleep, for years.. about 16 years to be exact. I sleep like a baby, every single night now... very grateful for that.

I'm grateful for the coffee at Crossroads.. let me rephrase that.. I"m grateful for the FREE coffee at Crossroads.. lol. Good stuff.

While I'm talking about coffee, I'm grateful for the Starbucks Doubleshot Venti that I drink at Starbucks.. most awesome drink ever. Love it.

I'm grateful for good friends. I truly am. I've made some of the best friends in the past year, and they're like family to me. I don't know where I would be without them and it is through them and their love for me that I get a little glimpse of God.

I'm grateful that I'm alive! Oh gosh, I could go on and on about this one.. all the times I used crazy amounts of drugs.. amounts which would kill a horse.. and lived. All the times that I was held at gunpoint (obviously doing things I shouldnt have been doing) and I was never shot. The 140mph police chase... well we won't go into that one, but I made it away, and didn't wreck. I made so many bad choices during my active addiction that should have led me to my grave, but God surely had his hand on me and I'm still here today! I'm so grateful for my life.

I'm grateful for the ability God has given me to retain His word... I've never been able to retain much of anything, but that's not the case when it comes to scripture... that's definitely a miracle for me.

No, MOST of these things seem like no big deal, but they are... it wasn't long ago that I couldn't appreciate the little things in life, but now I am able to.. or at least I'm getting there. I remember writing my first gratitude list quite some time back and I now see that I limited it to what I thought were really big things..

take time to enjoy the little things in life.. hopefully they can make you smile like they do me.

peace out.

A bad day...

2009-05-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My life is getting better every day, and many more days than not I'm in a great mood - yesterday was different. I couldn't seem to give a genuine smile until last night.

I was completely discontent. I'm in a process now, which I guess really never ends if I make the DECISION to live for God.

I'm in a healing process, as I work through a seemingly endless struggle of coping with my early years. I still don't really know what normal is or how things should be... I'm doing my best to figure it out though, step by step.

I'm in a process of learning how to cope with stress. I turned to alcohol and drugs starting at 14yrs old because I didn't know how to cope. Normal everyday stress seems magnified to me as I deal with it for the first time completely sober.. no alcohol to numb me, no pills to decrease the anxiety... No joint to help my mind to stop racing so I can sleep. I'm learning to lean on God, and lean on the people around me, and to open up.

I'm in a process of learning how to have acceptance. I'm realizing that a huge part of the problems in my life has been a result of how I react when people don't meet my expectations... as I realize this, I realize I can't control people, places, or things -- I can only control myself and how I act. The days I am good with this new practice turn out very well.

I'm in a process of learning how to let people love me. This is a very hard one for me, and more days than not I truly still think there's a catch.. more days than not I feel like I owe someone when they do something nice for me.. it's so hard to accept love and the actions that follow it from people... I'm getting better at it though.. what's great though, is that as I'm getting better at accepting love, I'm learning how to love the people I care about.. that's the big plus.

I'm in a process of learning how to be selfless rather than selfish. I've been in self-preservation mode since day one. I've had to watch out for numero uno (me) starting way back.. it was all about me from a young age, and I guess it kind of had to be when I was younger. I took care of me, I kept me safe, I kept me moving forward... I'm just beginning to realize I can stop. Yeah, I need to take care of myself, but I have a community of people around me whom love me, I have great friends who love me, and I even have my mom back in my life who surely loves me. I don't need to be so selfish anymore... I'm not alone.. as I realize that, I put my fists down... then I can open not only my hands, but my arms.. I can get and give hugs now.. I can spend time on other people instead of myself all the time.. I'll be ok at the end of today, no matter what happens.. Now it's time for me to be of help to other people, and that's so much more rewarding.

I'm in a process of pursuing God and what He has for me in His Kingdom. This is the process that I always enjoy, though some days I admittedly get quite intimidated. Some days I feel as if Satan is whispering in my ear that I've made too many mistakes to be worthy of God's work... but I know that's not true... and what a process this is. I don't know exactly what God has for me next month or next year or ten year from now, but the picture gets more clear every day.. at least I think. What I do know is that I'm working my way towards it... and the great thing about this one is, it's not getting there that excites me, it's the process... what a beautiful process.

Yesterday, all of this seemed like too much. I felt like I had too much on my plate.. Too much to balance on my shoulders... Then I read something on the wall of a meeting I was at. This is what it said:

"remember that there has never been a day that lasted forever."

I smiled.. and laughed at myself a little bit. That was yesterday, and I woke up today, smiling as usual.

I hope you're having a good day today. If not, remember - it won't last forever. There hasn't been a day that has.

He Left the Carpentry Shop

2009-05-23T08:31:00.002-07:00

THE HEAVY DOOR CREAKED on its hinges as he pushed it open. With a few strides he crossed the silent shop and opened the wooden shutters to a square shaft of sunshine that pierced the darkness, painting a box of daylight on the dirt floor.

He looked around the carpentry shop. He stood a moment in the refuge of the little room that housed so many sweet memories. He balanced the hammer in his hand. He ran his fingers across the sharp teeth of the saw. He stroked the smoothly worn wood of the sawhorse. He had come to say good-bye.

It was time for him to leave. He had heard something that made him know it was time to go. So he came one last time to smell the sawdust and lumber.

Life was peaceful here. Life was so...safe.

He had spent countless hours of contentment. On this dirt floor he had played as a toddler while his father worked. Here Joseph had taught him how to grip a hammer. And on this workbench he had built his first chair.

I wonder what he thought as he took one last look around the room. Perhaps he stood for a moment at the workbench looking at the tiny shadows cast by the chisel and shavings. Perhaps he listened as voices from the past filled the air.

I wonder if he hesitated. I wonder if his heart was torn. I wonder if he rolled a nail between his thumb and fingers, anticipating the pain...

It must have been difficult to leave. After all, life as a carpenter wasn't bad. It wasn't bad at all. Business was good. The future was bright and his work was enjoyable....

I wonder if he wanted to stay. "I could do a good job here in Nazareth. Settle down. Raise a family. Be a civic leader."

I wonder becasue I know he had already read the last chapter. He knew that the feet that would step out of the safe shadow of the carpentry shop would not rest until they'd been pierced and placed on a Roman cross.

You see, he didn't have to go. He had a choice. He could have stayed. He could have kept his mouth shut. He could have ignored the call or at least postponed it. And had he chosen to stay, who wouldn've known? Who would have blamed him?

But his heart wouldn't let him. If there was hesitation on the part of his humanity, it was overcome by the compassion of his divinity. His divinity heard the voices. His divinity heard the hopeless cries of the poor, the bitter accusations of the abandoned, the dangling despair of those who are trying to save themselves.

And his divinity saw the faces. Some wrinkled. Some weeping. Some hidden behind veils. Some obscured by fear. Some earnest with searching. Some blank with boredom. From the face of Adam to the face of the infant born somewhere in the world as you read these words, he saw them all.

And you can be sure of one thing. Among the voices that found their way into that carpentry shop in Nazareth was your voice. Your silent prayers uttered on tear-stained pillows were heard before they were said. Your deepest questions about death and eternity...

He left because of you.

- from "His Name is Jesus" by Max Lucado

Completely Human, Completely Divine

2009-05-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

ANGELS WATHCED as Mary changed God's diaper. The universe watched with wonder as the Almighty learned to walk. Children played in the street with him. And had the synagogue leader in Nazareth known who was listening to his sermons...

Jesus May have had pimples. He may have been tone-deaf. Perhaps a girl down the street had a crush on him or vice versa. It could be that his knees were bony. One thing's for sure: He was, while completely divine, completely human.

For thirty-three years he would feel everything you and I have ever felt. He felt weak. He grew weary. He was afraid of failure. He was susceptible to wooing women. He got colds, burped, and had body odor. His feelings got hurt. His feet got tired. And his head ached.

To think of Jesus in such a light is--well, it seems almost irreverent, doesn't it? It's not something we like to do; it's uncomfortable. It is much easier to keep the humanity out of the incarnation. Clean the manure from around the manger. Wipe the sweat out of his eyes. Pretend he never snored or blew his nose or hit his thumb with a hammer....

But don't do it. For heaven's sake, don't. Let him be as human as he intended to be. Let him into the mire and muck of our world. For only if we let him in can he pull us out.

- from "His Name is Jesus" by Max Lucado

a gratitude list..

2009-05-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

A gratitude list..

I've been writing them lately. I feel it helps me, helps me be thankful. We take so many things for granted.. and we say we don't sometimes, but we do. Try it out.. at least once a week. It's ok to write some of the same things.

my list..

Dad. No, not blood dad.. Jesus is my dad.. I don't even call him Jesus or God too much anymore, at least not in my prayers.. I call him dad. Thankfully, my dad wasn't there since day one, so God has filled that spot in a big way, and I don't struggle with calling him that becuase no one has ever been that. I love my dad.

My mom. Oh gosh.. we've been through so much over the years.. I love her, and I'm just thankful that we can talk right now.

Sobriety.. I began partying when I was 14yrs old... what drugs or alcohol did I like you may be wondering.. I'll narrow it down.. I liked "anything," "everything," "more," "yours," and "free." That about sums it up, yes? I was trying to fill a God shaped void.. I let Him fill it up over and over, every day now. My desire is gone. I am aware though, if I stop letting Him fill me, it could come back.

My daughter. I love her so much.. and there's too much to say.. but.. I love her. I thank God for her.

Danielle. We may not get along or see things the same way.. but I thank God that she is taking care of Grace while I can't. I thank God for that.

Crossroads. This is my family. I love these people, more than anything in the world. God has worked through this community to help facilitate life change for me. I love each and every single person here, with all of my heart.. and I'm not just talking about the wonderful people here that I know so well now, but even the ones I don't. I don't know how to explain it.. how to explain how I can literally love each and every person I pass in here, but I do. It's amazing.. I can only do this because God has shown me this kind of love.

My health. After my history of substance abuse, I feel so blessed that I am in such good health. God has had his hand on me.

My cousin Ryan. I never thought we'd talk again, but God has His way of taking care of things like that..

My friends. Wow I have some fantastic friends, and I'm making new ones all the time.. and they're all just so great. I love them all so much.

Those are the bigger things today.. but I could go on and on with this list.. I feel better even now.. after writing it.. I have so much gratitude..

Try it now.. write out a list, but write a long one.. put everything you can find on it. I promise, it'll brighten your day.

A no compromise lifestyle...

2009-05-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

My hearts desire, deep down, is to live a no compromise lifestyle.. to give God my all. I've felt like that for a few years, though my actions had in the first year been slow to follow.. but as God is changing me inside and things begin to come a little bit faster, I ask myself.. what exactly do I mean by that? I must be clear with myself as I take the first steps in this journey.. and remember I will never "get there," as this journey never ends.. and thank God for that - the beauty is in the journey.

What a no comprimise lifestyle is NOT to me.. it's not being perfect, without sin. It is not to be set in a pattern, a habit, or... ewww I hate this word.. to be "religious." It is not to strive to follow the law. Finally, it's most definitely not an attempt to earn God's love or earn my salvation. These things cannot be earned, but we are given them.. it's all about love and Grace - on a BIG scale. SO big, we just can't wrap our mind around it.. at least I can't wrap my mind around it. Thank God I can't.. thank God I don't quite get it, that I don't quite understand it.. because if I did, well... God wouldn't be all that significant, would he?

Here is what a no compromise lifestyle is to me -
1. Believing God's word, the bible, is the ultimate standard of truth. My thoughts, opinions, and idea's really don't matter.. or at least never come before it. I don't have t0 always be comfortable with everything He tells me to do, I just need to submit, and trust Him.

2. Being intentional about reading the word (2 Timothy 2:15), about my prayer life (1 Thessalonians 5:17) , and about doing community with other Christ followers (Hebrews 10:25) - And when I say doing community, I don't necessarily mean ONLY gathering for service on the weekend. I believe I need to do live, to get involved, with other people that are walking down the path that I am.

3. To establish and put my heart into intentional relationships.. (Proverbs 27:17). I need to have friends whom I can grow with, walk towards God with, and can give me regular, loving criticizm.. who don't judge me but rather help me grow by helping me see the sin in me that I so frequently can't see.. and to embrace the criticizm so that I can grow, rather than let my pride anger from it.

4. Ridding myself of pre-meditated sin. When I catch myself in judgement of someone, or catch myself in gossip, for example.. these are things I can stop myself as I walk in these sins when I realize I'm committing them, and I believe as I get closer to God they will become less and less.. but when I say pre-meditated sin, I mean to plan on something I know isn't right. Weather it's planning on drinking a few beers on Friday night (I can't do that), going on a date with a girl who isn't a Christ follower (2 Corinthians 6:14). As I said, I will always sin, but for me to know ahead of time it's wrong, and to continue in it.. well, that's just much different - to me at least.

There's much more than this, but these are the primary things that come to mind right now.

As I look in Luke 9:59-62, I see Jesus said "Follow me." The man he was speaking to said "Lord, firs let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God." Still another man said, "I will follow you, Lord, but first let me go back and say good-by to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

If I look at the last thing Jesus said that I spoke of here, it makes me realize if I truly want to follow Him, HE says, that I need to leave ALL of my selfish ambitions behind me. Weather that be for me to continue to compete in bodybuilding, for me to chase after a career with financial goals as my primary purpose, or for me, even to go watch movies which I just don't feel are in line with what God wants for me.. I need to leave behind things which have been important to me, things which are of no benefit in the purpose of expanding His Kingdom. As Greg Boyd said, if everything in my life doesn't fall under an over arching purpose of expanding the Kingdom of God - I am about those things and NOT about God (i.e. family, work, relationships, school, free time).

I know we've all been asked at some point what's most important to us in life. Here's the basic paradigm, and it doesn't work.

1. God
2. Family
3. Work
4. Friends

The reason that paradigm doesn't work is this... how many hours a week do we work? Typically, 40. Do we spend 40 hours with God? How about 40 hours with our family? I don't.. never have. It's not really possible. The point is this.. it should be..

God (in our families) God (in our workplace) God (in my friendships) God (in my school).

That paradigm works, and that's what I want.. that's what I'm striving for. With God's help, I pray I get in line with that.

And Corinthians 6:12 says "Everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial." This verse is speaking about sexual immorality, but I still feel it holds true for just about everything else. I have the right to do anything, but not everything is beneficial.. I need to line my life up, all of it, with things that are beneficial with bringing myself and others closer to the reality, love, and grace of Jesus.. ultimately resulting in complete surrender to Him.

Colossians 2:16 says "Just as you recieved Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in Him, strengthened in the faith you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

If I'm thankful, I need to show it.. by doing this.. all of this.. each and every day of my life. This, to me is a no comprimise lifestyle.

The lyrics from a song where I meet with my family of Christ followers...

Holy Fire, burn away,
my desire, for anything,
that is not of you, and is of me,
I want more of you, and less of me...
yea...

- peace out

Great prayer...

2009-05-05T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to recite prayers, but this is a small part of something I read in the book I'm currently reading, Saint Augustine - Confessions.

"Grant my prayer, O Lord, and do not allow my soul to wilt under the discipline which you prescribe. Let me not tire of thanking you for your mercy in recusing me form all my wicked wyas, so that you may be sweeter to me than all the joys which used to tempt me; so that I may love you most intensely and clasp your hand with all the power of my devotion; so that you may save me from all temptation until the end of my days."

Beautiful.....

Saint Augustine?

2009-05-02T17:45:00.000-07:00

Ok I just began reading a book by a man named Saint Augustine. If you want to know who he was, google him or something.. excellent read though.. here's a part I liked...

What, then, is the God I worship? He can be none but the Lord God himself, for who but the Lord is God? You, my God, are supreme, utmost in goodness, mightiest and all-powerful, most merciful and most just. You are the most hidden from us and yet the most present among us, the most beautiful and yet the most strong, ever enduring and yet we cannot comprehend you. You are unchangeable and yet you change all things. You are never new, never old, and yet all things have new life from you. you are the unseen power that brings decline upon the proud. You are ever active, yet always at rest. You gather all things to yourself, though you suffer no need. You support, you fill, and you protect all things. You create them, nourish them, and bring them to perfection. You seek to make them your own, though you lack for nothing. You love your creatures, but with a gentle love. You treasure them, but without apprehension. You grieve for wrong, but suffer no pain. You can be angry and yet serene. Your works are varied, but your purpose is one and the same. You welcome all who come to you, though you never lost them. You are never in need yet are glad to gain, never covetous yet you exact a return for your gifts. We give abundantly to you so that we may deserve a reward; yet which of us has anything that does not come from you? You repay us for what we deserve, and yet you owe nothing to any. You release us from our debts, but you lose nothing to any. You are my God, my Life, my holy Delight, but is this enough to say of you? Can any man say enough when he speaks of you? Yet woe betide those who are silent about you! For even those who are most gifted with speech cannot find words to describe you.

- Saint Augustine

Yet another miracle... my cousin.

2009-05-02T17:33:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been three weeks since the first entry so I'm not moving nearly as fast as I expected... I've had so many things that seemed very important to write about on here but I seemed to be waiting for the one big thing to start this blog off with. I've found it this week, and though it may not seem significant to you, it sure does me.

My cousin Ryan.. I love him so much. Through a series of events and circumstances, satan did his best at getting us to put a wall up between us.. and it worked. I honestly thought at one point in time I would never hear from my cousin again. Never say never.

I have prayed for my cousin since we spoke last, which was well over a year ago. I have prayed and prayed that God keep His hand on him, that God send people across his path to minister God's love to him, and I thanked God each time I prayed, in advance, for answering these prayers. God has answered these prayers..

My cousin contacted me this week, through an email. The biggest news is that my cousin is involved in a community of Christ followers, and from the sound of it, it's changing his life. He did not say this exactly, but I hear it in his voice and I just know from the way he talks, and from his email.

We will be getting together for the day on the 23rd of May. I am so excited to see him, and I thank God for bringing us back together.

If you are reading this Ryan, I love you.

Peace out.

Read me first..

2009-04-10T08:02:00.000-07:00

My name is Jason Dylan Michel.

I'm a 32 year old father of the most beautiful little girl in the world... and no, I'm not just saying that because I'm her dad.. :-)

When people ask if I'm religious, the answer is always "no.. I just love God a whole bunch." I'm not a fan of religion to be honest, actually I'm quite turned off by it. Religion, to me, is a set of motions we are told to perform to get to God.. Religion has taught me and continues to teach people that we have to jump through hoops and do backflips to be accepted by God, which is not the truth.

I don't necessarily call myself a Christian either. Don't get me wrong, I am a Christ follower - but the term Christian has been ruined over the years, or at least that's what I think. The Christians I grew up watching, weather inside of "church" or outside of church, weren't following God from my point of view at the time. I've been burned by more Christians than I have non Christians in my life, even my first two youth pastors. Hypocritical, judgemental, the list goes on and on.. I ran from God at 16 years old, partially because of the fact I didn't want to be anything like these people. Actually, we Christ followers didn't label ourselves Christians, it was actually the people observing the Christ followers in Antioch that called us that.. would people call us that by viewing how we live today? Some food for thought.

All of this being said, I aspire to follow Christ every day of my life, and could care less about a label that has been ruined. I believe in the gospel, as opposed to religion. The gospel teaches me that I don't have to be perfect to come to Jesus, but rather that He wants me to come as I am, and that the result of a personal relationship with Him will be a change of my heart, and my actions will follow.

I do believe in heaven and hell, but I believe that Jesus commanded us (the greatest commandment actually) to love one another, not to judge who's going to heaven and who's not. I don't believe anyone can be scared into following Jesus. I came back to Jesus as a result of love, not a strong warning about my life. To be quite honest, not only am I completely free of any fear of death, hell doesn't scare me ( I belong to Him ), and I'm not too excited about heaven, though I'm confident it will be indescribable. I've heard so many say how they are looking forward to being done with this life and getting to heaven.. I wonder, can they be serious? If they are, I can't help but think they are really missing out. God created this world.... there is a job here for us, or rather an opportunity. The way I see it, there is so much to be done here.. Embrace the moment, He created it - didn't He?

God has turned my life upside down with His love, and there is nothing more I want to do than for people to experience this love... I want to share it with everyone. You know how you hear a great song on the radio or see a great movie, and you just want everyone to hear or see it? Or how about this.. if you won a billion dollars in the lottery, wouldn't you get excited to share it with some key people in your life? I would.. I'd get real excited. Jesus is so much bigger than a song, movie, or a billion bucks.. He's my best friend, no joke.

I don't necessarily have a purpose in mind as I begin this blog today, but I will tell you what I'm not looking to accomplish - and take no offense, I'll always be real. I'm not looking to teach anything - these are only my opinions, and I challenge you to dig in your Bible to verify weather or not my views are biblical or not.. don't take my word for anything, I'm a VERY flawed human. I'm not looking for praise in anything I write either. I've got a lot of issues, have made a ton of mistakes (which you'll read about over time if you continue to visit my blog), and will keep making them.. I just pray there are less of them as I get closer to Him. If any feelings of praise come about, they should go to God for the fact that I'm not dead as a result from an overdose of who knows what, or that I'm not homeless in some alley with a dirty needle hanging out of my arm.. haha.. I'm not looking for judgement either - You're going to think what you want, and may strongly disagree with me at times for a seemingly extremist point of view, or you may think my thoughts are too loose regarding some subjects.. that's ok, just don't tell me about it. I'm not looking for suggestions or any kind of criticizm either. I have a great group of friends who are walking with me toward Jesus, who's suggestions/criticizm I'm submitting myself to - and I'll just stick with them. :-)

If anything, all I hope to do in this blog is get my ideas out, be able to look back at what God has been doing in my life, and if anyone reads this and realizes that Jesus is so awesome that He actually loves and has a purpose for someone as screwed up as I've been.. well then I guess I'd have to say mission accomplished.

I plan on regular entries, at least 3 weeks out of the month, maybe four.. usually on the weekend.

Oh and one last thing. Before you begin reading, I want to apologize.. If you've been burned by a "Christian," if you had a bible forced down your throat or been told over and over you're going to hell.. well I'm sorry.. I'm sorry there are people like that. Keep one thing in mind, they can't share a love from God that they may not know. Some try to follow Christ becuase they're scared of hell, and some really may love God but have no idea how to show it, or a lack of social skills.. Again, don't get me wrong.. the bible is a wonderful book, it's God's word in fact. It is helping change my life, along with many other things such as prayer and community.. but I'm not going to tell you you better read it or you'll burn in hell.. judging isn't my job, loving is.

Take care, and God bless! And remember.... love wins.